London, Ontario (The Skwib) — A Canadian religious leader was charged with a hate crime after suggesting the Pope and all other clerics in the Catholic Church were child molesters.
Dr. Maximilian Tundra, the self-proclaimed Prophet of the Viking Pasta (or the First Church of the Noodly Norsemen), made the allegations in a speech given to a large gathering in the parking lot of the Brewer’s Retail at the corner of Adelaide and Lorne Streets.
The audience only had six members of the obscure religion in attendance. The rest of the crowd was comprised of passers-by who had stopped to see why a rotund man wearing chain mail and a helmet with large horns was standing on a makeshift podium, shouting at them, and blocking the entrance to the beer store.
“This Dude was out there, man,” Terry T. Fore told The Skwib. “I mean, he was going on and on about how the Flying Spaghetti Monster loved Vikings more than Pirates, and shit. Then he started raggin’ on the Pope. And I just wanted some freakin’ Blue!”
In a lengthy diatribe, Dr. Tundra explained the falseness of other religions — in particular the Catholic Church — by quoting such notable 12th century Norse kings as Olaf the Bonecrusher and Norri Priestflayer. In one particularly colorful passage, Dr. Tundra said: “And so it was that Olaf the Bonecrusher spoke thus: all priests of this new religion of the three-part christ love two things only: their strange, weakling god, and the bums of our young.”
The crowd began to get agitated when he refused to allow anyone into the store; he then quoted Norri Priestflayer: “the skin of these Christian priests makes excellent shield-coverings.” At this, Dr. Tundra quipped: “gives a whole new meaning to fine Corinthian leather, doesn’t it?”
Police arrived and removed Dr. Tundra from the scene, for his own safety. He was later charged under Section 319 of the criminal code for inciting violence against an identifiable religious group.
Dr. Tundra told The Skwib: “Hey, I was just quoting Priestflayer. It’s not like that’s my position.”
“I think they would make good upholstery,” Dr. Tundra said.