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Ask General Kang: I’d like to protect my kids, so is there some kind of hermetically sealed biosphere that you could recommend?

Ask General KangDefinitely. I’d go with a product invented on my native planet, Neecknaw, during the Cranial Trauma Scare at the turn of the last century.

It’s called Dr. Ooo-ook’s Multi-Phasic Baby-to-Big Boy (or Girl) Environmental Protective Suit.

Dr. Ooo-ook was an ├╝ber-orangutan; he was an indifferent (and orange) pediatrician, but a brilliant marketer. You have to understand that at the turn of the century on Neecknaw, the media was becoming much more pervasive and so we heard about every bad thing that happened — particularly to children, because it’s always news if something bad happens to children. Parental fear ran rampant.

Well, Dr. Ooo-ook knew an opportunity when he saw it, and invented his Multi-Phasic Baby-to-Big Boy Environmental Protective Suit (or Ook-Suit as they were known to the hoi-polloi). And even if it was largely a marketing ploy, the suit was well-made and lived up to its promise of “complete lifetime protection of your child from physical harm and interference from infancy until they finish college.”

Unfortunately, the suit did not protect the kids from the merciless teasing they got from the other children. Not that they remained traumatized for too long. As soon as most of the kids were old enough to get court orders letting them out of the Ook-Suits, they didn’t survive very long. (As it turns out, their immune systems were so weak, their bodies were unable to handle the myriad of infections that their Ook-Suits had kept at bay for their short, over-protected lives.)

On the positive side of things, those that survived the initial exposure to the outside world could look forward to fabulous careers as eccentric writers.

Next time: One of my co-workers is up for the same promotion I’m hoping to get. Do you think I should “go negative” in my campaign early?

Alltop goes humorous early, and often. Originally published January, 2007.