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Ask General Kang: What do you do when your planet runs out of resources?

Ask General KangWhat do I do? Shouldn’t you be asking what will you do?

What I do is charge up the power cells in my Interstellar Ape-arda, fill the ships with hordes of über-chimps hungry for adventure and loot, and set course for the nearest planet that hasn’t used up all its resources.

From there, it’s a simple matter of subduing the local sapient population (if there is one), and then setting up shop. Literally. The second major phase of any decent conquest is building the consumer infrastructure you need to plunder a planet. You’d be amazed how many societies are content to live within their means. Sustainable development is no good if you’re in the pillaging business!

Once you have them selling things bought or processed, or buying things sold or processed, or processing things sold or bought, then you’ve got an economy you can sack.

But that’s what I’d do (if I still had a fleet of space ships capable of faster-than-light travel and crammed full of bonobos with a jones for gold-plated walking sticks).

You can barely reach your own planet’s orbit, so you’re going to have to come up with a more creative solution.

Next time: What’s the etiquette when an alien bursts out of your dining companion’s chest? Do you wait for them to excuse themselves, or do you say “God Bless”?

More inexcusable horrors are available at alltop. Originally published in September, 2008.


  1. Pffff…sustainable development. That’s insurgent talk.

  2. Hey, did I spot a “Say Anything…” reference?

  3. I dont really want to say this but Kang is getting increasingly ‘snarky’

    ‘You can barely reach your own planet’s orbit, so you’re going to have to come up with a more creative solution.’

    See now he’s just showing off.

  4. Yay alejna, nice spotting!

    Yes, he’s getting cranky and insurgent-y. I’m worried.

  5. Can’t we just sell off the U.S. to you folks in Canada for like $50 trillion and have you manage our oil resources? Everyone’s so industrious and well spoken up there…

  6. I don’t know if that’s such a great idea. We’d just blow it all on beer and buying all the NHL hockey teams back from you guys.

    Plus everyone in Toronto would probably insist on having their own NFL team.

  7. I’m with Alex L. on this one: Kang is definitely becoming a truly pompous bastard.

  8. CD CD

    what do i do when people are saying the world is ending, The rich are doing something, Building protection for them selfs, And the most intelligent people in the world are doing the stupidest thing

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