Ottawa (The Skwib) — A group of pagans have appeared in front of Rideau Hall to protest the naming of a tree.
“In ancient Celtic practice, the evergreen tree is a symbol of rebirth, and should not be connected with a Christian religious holiday,” Lugh Fripwhipple, spokesperson for the Gargantuan Organization Devoted to Lovers of Earth, Spirits and Society (GODLESS) told The Skwib.
“No it’s not!” said Hragnor Bootflak, High Priest of the Society of Odin Devotees (SODs). “The evergreen is a sacrifice tree — you should hang sheep testicles off it, not candy canes!”
“Wait, wait,” said Mamma Bulemia, Mistress of the Virgin Association of the Great, Inexpressible Nature Animists (VAGINA), “it’s about the love that Mother Nature has for all of us. We shouldn’t be putting them up at all!”
Randy Mylyk, a spokesperson for the Governor General (GG), said there had been a misunderstanding about the naming, but that did not please the protestors.
The trouble gegan with a CBC radio interview, when another Rideau Hall spokeswoman Lucie Brosseau had said: “At Rideau Hall, we will be putting up a holiday tree as we find it reflects the traditions of many cultures, and it is inclusive.”
“We just want to represent the Christian holiday,” another, as yet unnamed, GG spokesperson told The Skwib.
“I think all true worshipers, whether from GODLESS, SODs or VAGINA can agree that the decorating of an evergreen to celebrate a Christian holiday is contrary to the wishes of the spirit of the tree,” Fripwhipple said. “We don’t think the GG should have a tree at all.”
Other religious groups were asked to comment, but wisely refused.
A similar protest erupted in Boston after the mayor decided to name their festive flora a Christmas tree, but the pagans were quickly silenced in a series of “conversions” by Rev. Jerry Falwell’s crack “Grinch Gang”.