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Ask General Kang: Do you have infographics on your home world?

Ask General Kang - chimp on top of globeDo we? I have entire legion of hipster über-baboons devoted to cranking out these things on an hourly basis, clogging Neecknaw’s Datasphere with pretty misinformation.

Before I recruited them for the Symbol Legion of Zoom, I found the über-baboons were quite good at using stunning visuals to impart complex data in simple and easily-digested images. This did not suit my purposes, so I had them “retrained” at a special and fun “infocamp” on the frozen moonlet that orbits Neecknaw VII, AKA known as Probit VII. (Note: the “infocamp” was not actually fun.)

My purpose in providing copious numbers of infographics was to obscure the information contained within them, and to maximize the search engine traffic to a number sites I ran to help generate income for the people of Neecknaw. (Armies of tutu-wearing, broadsword-weilding gorilloids and fez-wearing über-chimps packing plasma rifles don’t pay for themselves.)

I developed a simple recipe for creating frustrating, broadband-sucking, suicide-inducing infographics:

  • rather than visualize the information, use a paragraph or two to describe the information next to a large number (42% is best)
  • use fuzzy math
  • if possible, set the text at 4 points, and make it white text on a light colored background
  • some people may still be able to read this, so compress the graphic into a 400 pixel by 4000 pixel bitmap image (never in html – this could actually be useful)
  • if you cannot find extremely dubious sources for your data, make your sources text even smaller.

And yes, since my arrival on earth, I have passed along this recipe. You were starting to get well informed.

Next time: My time vortex is clogged — can I use a x-dimensional plunger on that, or should I try Drano?

Alltop loves a good plunge.