Skip to content

Ask General Kang: How do I stop feeling so nostalgic?

Ask General KangAh, nostalgia! Of course, I am a primate too, so I have suffered from this particular ailment, though I am loath to admit it.

I call it an ailment, because like you humans in previous ages, we Neecknabians see excessive nostalgia as a form of mental disorder. In fact, we still do see it as an aberrant mental mode.

The etymology of nostalgia is coined from two Greek words, nostos, meaning homecoming, and algos, meaning pain or ache. In human history, this has been closely associated with homesickness, and in the Victorian era, it was seen as a form of melancholia or depression.

On Neecknaw, it is a capital offense.

You see, it is very difficult to build a galaxy-spanning civilization if you’re always thinking about home. Sure, Neecknaw is nice. It’s perfectly suited to an uber-chimp. Unlike Earth, which has all kinds of regions that are inhabitable, but hardly conducive to comfortable living (any place in Canada, for example), Neecknaw has a climate that is perfect all-year round, on the whole planet.

So while my Gorilloid-in-Fezes Brigade is off conquering the Squid Confederacy (in the really wet and overly alkaline Fruit-Topping Arm of my home galaxy) I could hardly let them suffer from acute nostalgia. It would get in the way of galactic domination!

Thus it is a capital offense. If any Neecknabian citizen says something like: “It’s not as good as it used to be,” or, “I really miss fresh banana cream pie, the way my Oook-oook used to make it,” then they immediately have their torsos decranialized. (Preferably with a broadsword, but in the field, any sharp-edged tool will do.) This keeps it to a minimum.

But what if I don’t want to have my head cut off?

Oh, well, much of nostalgia is set off by familiar smells and touches. That sensory data passes through the amygdala, the emotional center of the brain. So the best solution would be to have that cut out, rendering you nostalgia- and emotion-free.

Side benefit: this would destroy your sense of compassion and empathy, and make you perfect for the upper-management track of any large human corporation!

Next time: How do I use an iPhone when I’m in orbit? I assume zero gravity messes with the orientation feature?

Alltop has a messed up humor feature.