Author Archive | drtundra

Tundra Reports: Tim Horton’s Honeys

Tim Horton's Christmas coffee cup
By Dr. Maximilian Tundra

Does anyone else find it mildly disturbing to be addressed as “dear”, “hon,” or “darling” by someone who is at least 10 years younger than you?

I have noticed over the past year or so that Tim Horton’s has been hiring more young servers, and they have strangely taken on some of the matronly language of the more traditional Tim Horton’s Lady. (For those of you wondering if this has something to do with Dr. Seuss, miscommunication and my penchant for bad chemicals, Timmy’s is Canadian institution and chain of coffee shops.)

This morning was particularly uncomfortable, as the young lady serving your peripatetic doctor of peyote, was also a hottie. Granted, Timmy’s tries to disguise any attractiveness their staff may have with the brown, shapeless polyester atrocities they make them wear, but there was no pretending.

“Can I get you anything else, dear?” she asked me.

Thousands of inappropriate responses flashed in my mind, somewhat dulled as it was by the morning’s peyote milkshake. (Hence the need for the high-octane caffeine that is the only redeeming quality of Tim Horton’s coffee.)

“How about a beaver tail?” I said in a strangulated voice.

“We don’t serve that, sir.”

Phew, now “sir” was more comfortable territory.

Alltop also likes to wear brown shapeless clothing. Timmy’s Christmas cup by jumphawk. Originally published November 2007.

Reassuring Fictions

reassuring fictions

In times like these, you may believe that all is well. You may enjoy watching the Olympics, eating spam, or perhaps you have many Norwegian friends.

You may have the feeling that we live in the best of possible worlds. Given the possibilities, the vagaries of quantum mechanics, perhaps, you think to yourself, everything is right in the world.

These are reassuring fictions.

These fictions are propagated by a large number of clandestine groups, which run the affairs of the world from hidden bunkers, boardrooms, churches, and your medulla oblongata.

But not the Masons.

Alltop knows the secret handshake. Eyecatcher, originally uploaded by Robbert van der Steeg. Originally published in March, 2008.

Appropriate Dress Required

zombie fighting girl

Sometimes you feel like putting on a pretty little sundress, and prancing around in a meadow with the butterflies.

Other days, you wake up and think: rubber dress … fishnet stockings … gasmask and shotgun … fuck yeah!

But pack the sundress and a cardigan just in case. And that nice cocktail dress, and high heels, ’cause you never know…

What happens if they have a big fancy party after all the zombies are dead?

Alltop enjoys its ass-less chaps. Atomic girl, uploaded by Midnight-digital. Originally published March, 2010.

The Fabulous Toast Brothers

19th century inventors in bubble, filled with lightning and water

Neville and Ezekial Broughton grew up on the frontier, working the ranch their father built out of hard work, genocide, and cruelty to animals. Yet they rose above these humble beginnings to form the first Gentlemen’s Inventor League west of the Mississippi, dreaming of the day they would one day attend the Annual Inventor’s Exhibition in London, England.

They made their fortune on toasters. Everyone enjoyed toast, and this gave them the wherewithal to pursue other, more esoteric designs.

What if it was possible to use the power of the electron? Could they create a perfectly toasted slice of bread, light brown on both sides, using the very nature of the universe?

The answer was no.

Alltop likes singularity on its toast. Toast, originally uploaded by ZebraMule.