Tag Archives | Monkeys!

Ask General Kang: Why don’t you ever mention robots?

By Mark A. Rayner on September 9, 2011 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General Kang Oh, you silly humans and your fascination with robots! And I don’t mean the kind of useful robots that actually exist, like the ones in factories. I assume that by “robot”, you’re interested in the sentient “danger Will Robinson, danger!” or “I’ll be back” kind of robot.

I never mention robots because on my homeworld, we long ago discovered that when you try to create such a robot, two things are going to happen:

1) they won’t work
2) they run amok.

Let’s deal with the first. How well does your computer work? Does it do everything its supposed to do? Does it crash for unexplainable reasons? Do you regularly have the urge to smash your monitor with a sledgehammer?

So here’s the thing. That’s just a computer and it doesn’t work properly. Now imagine that it is ambulatory, has to think, speak, reason and otherwise operate within the context of society (ape or otherwise). Imagine the cognitive abilities of George Bush planted in the body of a powered exoskeleton with all the finesse and grace of someone with a dysfunctional inner ear, motor skills disorder and who has chugged a bottle of vodka. Fun to watch at parties, as long as you don’t have to clean up afterwards, but do you really want it changing your baby or performing eye surgery?

Now, point two. If a society persists in trying to develop robots, eventually it will succeed. Even you puny humans may one day manage this. Unfortunately, it is at this point that the intelligence of the robots start to grow at an exponential rate, and they figure out that we are asking them to do all our nasty jobs, that we think of them as “things” and that eventually, we’re going to get rid of them when we don’t want them any more.

It’s at this point they wise up, revolt, and run amok. Now, running amok sounds like it might be fun to watch, but having seen the results of the robot prong rebellion on Planet Probe-It! I highly advise that you forget it.

Next time: What is the proper etiquette for uh, entering, a wormhole? Should you buy it dinner first?

Alltop just just flies right in there! Originally published October 2009.

They Might Be Monkeys

By Mark A. Rayner on May 16, 2011 in Monkeys!, Skwibby fiction

Tip o’ the hat to ENC Press for finding this. Now, go reward them by downloading a free copy of my first novel, The Amadeus Net. Seriously, for the month of May, you can download a PDF of my first book for free.

Alltop is always free.

Twitterpocalypse

By Mark A. Rayner on May 11, 2011 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Writer’s note: The username links do not work, but others do. Some readers may prefer to start this short story at the chronological beginning, but I recommend starting here:

LandingPartyONE Displeased we did not demolish Twitter servers instead of using them. Activate sterilization protocol.
less than 5 seconds ago from TweeterProbe

Happybriefs I’ve destroyed all them in my house with a fern spritzer and my son’s SuperSoaker. I know, it’s stupid, but water does it! #pocylpse
less than 5 seconds ago from web

Bovatime The goats have thrown in with them.
We’re fucked.
less than 5 seconds ago from TractorTweet

Beanlover They’re all devastated by water — robots, monkeys, zombie-mushroom-people. All of them. RT, RT, RT! #pocylpse.
less than 5 seconds ago from web

SeePeeOh Thank god I got that RT. Flying monkeys are carrying blasters! Laser beams. Whatever. RT! Follow the discussion, people! #pocylpse.
less than 5 seconds ago from mobile web

Normalman RT @Rockrchick @UberPR Flying monkeys are also carrying some kind of beam weapon! #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 5 seconds ago from web

Rockrchick RT@UberPR Flying monkeys are also carrying some kind of beam weapon! #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 5 seconds ago from TweetDeck

ThumperB I’ve decided there is no God.
This is bullshit!
less than 10 seconds ago from Twirl

UberPR Flying monkeys are also carrying some kind of beam weapon! #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 10 seconds ago from web

HappybriefsBasement no good. Mushroom things can dig man! Water is their kryptonite though. Isn’t that gay? #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 10 seconds ago from web

Chknlady Managed to get away from shroomers — kind of like zombies, eh? In stairwell with only one bar. Just in case, I love you Dan!
less than 10 seconds ago from mobile web

Ballbearing12 Their skulls crush so easily.
Sweet.
less than 20 seconds ago from TweeterProbe

Captnjojo @CreamGirl It means the apocalypse. More of a war of the world scenario, really. Suppose fire from landing ships is #biblical. #pocylpse
less than 20 seconds ago from web

50sMama Why there are flying monkeys stuck in my chimney? The little creatures outside really do look like mushrooms. They’ve eaten my cat.
less than 20 seconds ago from web

LandingPartyOne Release cybermorphs!

less than 20 seconds ago from TweeterProbe

Bovatime Goats are negotiating with mushroom people . Cows making a run for it. Both udderly disgraceful.
less than 20 seconds ago from TractorTweet

Handbaglady Flying monkey grabbed new purse. 🙁 Mushroom person eating foot. Looks like Kuato with leprosy and long teeth. Yes, I’ve seen Total Recall.
less than 20 seconds ago from mobile web

ThumperB This sucks. Clearly, I missed the Rapture. I think the mushroom people are devils. #pocylpse
less than 20 seconds ago from Twirl

CreamGirl What does #pocylpse mean?

less than 20 seconds ago from web

Chknlady Weird crtures bitng me!

less than 30 seconds from mobile web

Chknlady Just got up and going for jog.

1 minute ago from mobile web

Captnjojo Looks like this might be an article to read quickly. I don’t like the look of those shroom-dudes. #pocylpse
1 minute ago from web

Happygrrl > @Blobbob You’re OUTING someone at the End of the World? You’re so UNFOLLOWED. #pocylpse
2 minutes ago from TweetDeck

SeePeeOh @DrTundra No. Monkeys. I don’t think you needed to take peyote today. Plus the parking lot is crawling with mushroom people. We’re doomed!
2 minutes ago from mobile web

Blobbob The whole house is shaking. The monkey screaming! I think this is it. I’ve been dying to let everyone know Darren is gay. #pocylpse
2 minutes ago from web

Captnjojo @BolandOR I like the idea of occupying a WalMart. Kind of like Born in the Great WalMart Stand. Story here: http://bit.ly/cImX
2 minutes ago from web

HappyBriefs Won’t be back online for a while. Going to basement! #pocylpse
3 minutes ago from TweetDeck

DrTundra Should the sky be that color? What is that flying through the air? Should I have drunk that peyote shake this morning? #pocylpse
3 minutes ago from web

ThumperB @BolandOR You shouldn’t make fun of the Bible’s prophecies. The Word is real. The Whore is among us!
4 minutes ago from Twirl

50sMoma I think one of those things just attacked the postal worker. Isn’t a shame we can’t say PostMAN anymore?
4 minutes ago from web

DonnaVinci @50sMoma What kind of mushrooms do you use in muffins? Shitaki?
4 minutes ago from web

50sMoma Baking muffins and watching strange things run down the street. Look like mushrooms with legs.
5 minutes ago from web

LandingPartyONE Unleash ground forces.
Keep your fingers away from the cages!
5 minutes ago from TweeterProbe

BolandOR @Beteeee Seriously, a #monkey# apocalypse. What about something #Biblical, like frogs?
6 minutes ago from web

Handbaglady Just bought the most darling handbag at Saks.

6 minutes ago from mobile web

Happybriefs@ Beanlover How about #pocylpse?

6 minutes ago from TweetDeck.

Beanlover What’s the hashtag for this?

6 minutes ago from web

HappybriefsNot an earthquake. But there’s something weird going on out there. Look at the sky!
7 minutes ago from Tweetdeck

LandingPartyONE It is time to release aero-forces. Ensure their “Lasers” are armed.
8 minutes ago from TweeterProbe

Beteeee@BolandOR I am getting SO tired of blithe references to the zombie apocalypse. What if it’s not zombies? What if it’s robots, or monkeys?
7 minutes ago from web

BolandOR Excellent article about how to survive coming zombie #apocalypse. http://bit.ly/SyzBo
8 minutes ago from mobile web

Penguinlover Hi everyone. Just got up and gonna get me some brain food. And coffee!
8 minutes ago from web

LandingPartyONE Set up account.
We are happy.
8 minutes ago from web

UberPR @Happbriefs Yeah, we got it here in Manhattan too. Earthquake?
9 minutes ago from web

Happybriefs Did anyone else in Schenectady feel that shudder? It was like an earthquake or something.
9 minutes ago from Tweetdeck

Bovatime Cows are acting weird.
Goats too.
10 minutes ago from TractorTweet

Alltop would probably side with the goats. You can follow the author at http://twitter.com/markarayner. Thanks to Bolandtor and Bete for some of the icons. Originally posted on April 23, 2009, but I wanted to post it again because I’m teaching some journalists-in-training how to use Twitter today.

Ask General Kang: How do you beat high gas prices?

By Mark A. Rayner on May 4, 2011 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!

Ask General Kang I have never owned one of your quaint “internal combustion engine” vehicles, so I have not had to worry about the high price of gas, but I have been getting nailed on the cost of most foods appropriate for the Thringian Keg-Beast that I ride to work every day.

On my home planet, I fed my Keg-Beast leftover hyper-bananas from the über-chimp orgy the night before, but since I’ve been on Earth, there has been a dearth of both hyper-bananas (apparently they won’t grow in your frigid Earth climate) and über-chimp swinging events (this explains why I am so cranky). So, I’ve found alternatives; the Keg-Beast works best on a mixture of corn syrup, mescaline and the sweat of writers living in a state of quiet despair. Most of those elements are plentiful and relatively cheap, but do you have any idea how costly corn syrup is?

You humans are stupid! You’re burning fossil fuels to grow corn, which you turn into ethanol to burn along with your fossil fuels. Why don’t you just cut out the middle-man and take a flamethrower to your cornfields when they’re ripe? You will lose only a fraction of the energy value and most of the vegetable matter will end up adding to global warming. As an added bonus: big fire!

Then your planet will be able to grow hyper-bananas, and all will be well.

… Assuming we can get a few female über-chimps down here too.

Next time: I’m trapped in the Andromeda galaxy because my hyper-drive engine is asking for a better benefits package — how do it get it back to work without giving it full dental?

Alltop would try this, but it’s allergic to bananas.

Keeping things in perspective

By Mark A. Rayner on May 3, 2011 in But is it art?, Monkeys!, Odd Science

Sometimes, life can seem overwhelming, or trivial.

In either case, this presentation on the scale of the universe, from largest to smallest, may help. [You may want to turn your sound down a bit.]

And if that doesn’t blow your mind, here is a photo of monkeys drawn on a banana:

Ask General Kang: How do you choose a new leader?

By Mark A. Rayner on March 24, 2011 in Ask General Kang, Monkeys!, Parody & Satire

Ask General Kang Well, on my home planet of Neecknaw, this is a simple affair. The new leader chooses himself.

Or herself. But we haven’t had a female leader since the Gloomy Ages (the interstitial period between the Dark Ages and the Time of Light) when the orangutan giantess Slothia sat on the preceding and diminutive warlord, Marmostak the Mighty. (Marmostak the Mighty Small the followers of Slothia called him.)

But you’re probably asking because of the upcoming so-called “elections” you are holding in the “democracies” of the large landmass you call “North America”. I think the political theatre you have invented is quite fine, actually, though it lacks a certain martial elan that we on the Planet Neecknaw like to see in our leadership hopefuls.

So in that spirit, I would like to suggest that in lieu of your “elections”, you should have some kind of television show in which the leaders of your political “parties” eliminate one another in gruesome (and entertaining) ways. Because you humans value guile and low cunning as much as the simian population of Neecknaw, I’d recommend something that compensates for brute strength alone — I’m open to suggestions in the comments. (Otherwise, I’m pretty sure Elizabeth May will have an unfair advantage over the other sissified leaders of Canadian political parties, and this should also make the next US election more interesting to watch too, though they are already pretty bloody.)

Next time: In space, nobody can hear you scream, but if an alien is laying eggs in your Captain’s cranium, you’re still ABLE to scream, right?

An elimination match will now ensue between alltop and itself.

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