Tag Archives | Zombies

Dr. Tundra versus the flashmob zombies

By Mark A. Rayner on May 25, 2011 in Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Zombie priest eating baby Dr. Maximilian Tundra had never felt so paranoid.

Earlier that day he’d lost his medical license; luckily, he also had a PhD in biochemistry, so he would still get everyone call him “doctor”. But it was the loss of easy access to pharmaceuticals that was the problem.

No, he had to be honest with himself: the problem was the special Halloween pumpkin-and-peyote-extract milkshake he’d had at breakfast, a couple hours before the hearing.

Four hours later the anxiety and fear were at their highest. He knew that, but of course, he didn’t have complete control over it.

Then he saw the zombies.

Serious, honest-to-god zombies. They filled the street. A small group of brain-hungry shufflers were chasing patrons out of an Aldo store and biting them. There was a zombie staring right at Dr. Tundra. It looked like he used to be a priest and was finishing off an afternoon snack of tasty baby.

The screams were horrible, terrifying. Already unhinged by his de-licensing and the ill-advised peyote pick-me-up, Dr. Tundra started to shake. If he’d had more control over his body, Tundra would have run, but he didn’t.

What he did have was his .45. And enough practice that he was confident the fear and mescaline would not ruin his aim.

“Shoot for the head,” he reminded himself, as he approached the mob of zombies. Many of them seemed to be laughing and having a good time. He thought that was odd. Zombies shouldn’t laugh.

And he certainly didn’t think they would run away.

Alltop and enjoys its morning milkshake. Photo by thebigdurian. Originally published October, 2009.

Twitterpocalypse

By Mark A. Rayner on May 11, 2011 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire, Skwibby fiction

Writer’s note: The username links do not work, but others do. Some readers may prefer to start this short story at the chronological beginning, but I recommend starting here:

LandingPartyONE Displeased we did not demolish Twitter servers instead of using them. Activate sterilization protocol.
less than 5 seconds ago from TweeterProbe

Happybriefs I’ve destroyed all them in my house with a fern spritzer and my son’s SuperSoaker. I know, it’s stupid, but water does it! #pocylpse
less than 5 seconds ago from web

Bovatime The goats have thrown in with them.
We’re fucked.
less than 5 seconds ago from TractorTweet

Beanlover They’re all devastated by water — robots, monkeys, zombie-mushroom-people. All of them. RT, RT, RT! #pocylpse.
less than 5 seconds ago from web

SeePeeOh Thank god I got that RT. Flying monkeys are carrying blasters! Laser beams. Whatever. RT! Follow the discussion, people! #pocylpse.
less than 5 seconds ago from mobile web

Normalman RT @Rockrchick @UberPR Flying monkeys are also carrying some kind of beam weapon! #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 5 seconds ago from web

Rockrchick RT@UberPR Flying monkeys are also carrying some kind of beam weapon! #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 5 seconds ago from TweetDeck

ThumperB I’ve decided there is no God.
This is bullshit!
less than 10 seconds ago from Twirl

UberPR Flying monkeys are also carrying some kind of beam weapon! #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 10 seconds ago from web

HappybriefsBasement no good. Mushroom things can dig man! Water is their kryptonite though. Isn’t that gay? #pocylpse Please RT.
less than 10 seconds ago from web

Chknlady Managed to get away from shroomers — kind of like zombies, eh? In stairwell with only one bar. Just in case, I love you Dan!
less than 10 seconds ago from mobile web

Ballbearing12 Their skulls crush so easily.
Sweet.
less than 20 seconds ago from TweeterProbe

Captnjojo @CreamGirl It means the apocalypse. More of a war of the world scenario, really. Suppose fire from landing ships is #biblical. #pocylpse
less than 20 seconds ago from web

50sMama Why there are flying monkeys stuck in my chimney? The little creatures outside really do look like mushrooms. They’ve eaten my cat.
less than 20 seconds ago from web

LandingPartyOne Release cybermorphs!

less than 20 seconds ago from TweeterProbe

Bovatime Goats are negotiating with mushroom people . Cows making a run for it. Both udderly disgraceful.
less than 20 seconds ago from TractorTweet

Handbaglady Flying monkey grabbed new purse. 🙁 Mushroom person eating foot. Looks like Kuato with leprosy and long teeth. Yes, I’ve seen Total Recall.
less than 20 seconds ago from mobile web

ThumperB This sucks. Clearly, I missed the Rapture. I think the mushroom people are devils. #pocylpse
less than 20 seconds ago from Twirl

CreamGirl What does #pocylpse mean?

less than 20 seconds ago from web

Chknlady Weird crtures bitng me!

less than 30 seconds from mobile web

Chknlady Just got up and going for jog.

1 minute ago from mobile web

Captnjojo Looks like this might be an article to read quickly. I don’t like the look of those shroom-dudes. #pocylpse
1 minute ago from web

Happygrrl > @Blobbob You’re OUTING someone at the End of the World? You’re so UNFOLLOWED. #pocylpse
2 minutes ago from TweetDeck

SeePeeOh @DrTundra No. Monkeys. I don’t think you needed to take peyote today. Plus the parking lot is crawling with mushroom people. We’re doomed!
2 minutes ago from mobile web

Blobbob The whole house is shaking. The monkey screaming! I think this is it. I’ve been dying to let everyone know Darren is gay. #pocylpse
2 minutes ago from web

Captnjojo @BolandOR I like the idea of occupying a WalMart. Kind of like Born in the Great WalMart Stand. Story here: http://bit.ly/cImX
2 minutes ago from web

HappyBriefs Won’t be back online for a while. Going to basement! #pocylpse
3 minutes ago from TweetDeck

DrTundra Should the sky be that color? What is that flying through the air? Should I have drunk that peyote shake this morning? #pocylpse
3 minutes ago from web

ThumperB @BolandOR You shouldn’t make fun of the Bible’s prophecies. The Word is real. The Whore is among us!
4 minutes ago from Twirl

50sMoma I think one of those things just attacked the postal worker. Isn’t a shame we can’t say PostMAN anymore?
4 minutes ago from web

DonnaVinci @50sMoma What kind of mushrooms do you use in muffins? Shitaki?
4 minutes ago from web

50sMoma Baking muffins and watching strange things run down the street. Look like mushrooms with legs.
5 minutes ago from web

LandingPartyONE Unleash ground forces.
Keep your fingers away from the cages!
5 minutes ago from TweeterProbe

BolandOR @Beteeee Seriously, a #monkey# apocalypse. What about something #Biblical, like frogs?
6 minutes ago from web

Handbaglady Just bought the most darling handbag at Saks.

6 minutes ago from mobile web

Happybriefs@ Beanlover How about #pocylpse?

6 minutes ago from TweetDeck.

Beanlover What’s the hashtag for this?

6 minutes ago from web

HappybriefsNot an earthquake. But there’s something weird going on out there. Look at the sky!
7 minutes ago from Tweetdeck

LandingPartyONE It is time to release aero-forces. Ensure their “Lasers” are armed.
8 minutes ago from TweeterProbe

Beteeee@BolandOR I am getting SO tired of blithe references to the zombie apocalypse. What if it’s not zombies? What if it’s robots, or monkeys?
7 minutes ago from web

BolandOR Excellent article about how to survive coming zombie #apocalypse. http://bit.ly/SyzBo
8 minutes ago from mobile web

Penguinlover Hi everyone. Just got up and gonna get me some brain food. And coffee!
8 minutes ago from web

LandingPartyONE Set up account.
We are happy.
8 minutes ago from web

UberPR @Happbriefs Yeah, we got it here in Manhattan too. Earthquake?
9 minutes ago from web

Happybriefs Did anyone else in Schenectady feel that shudder? It was like an earthquake or something.
9 minutes ago from Tweetdeck

Bovatime Cows are acting weird.
Goats too.
10 minutes ago from TractorTweet

Alltop would probably side with the goats. You can follow the author at http://twitter.com/markarayner. Thanks to Bolandtor and Bete for some of the icons. Originally posted on April 23, 2009, but I wanted to post it again because I’m teaching some journalists-in-training how to use Twitter today.

The Zombie Attack on Dr. Nicolaes Tulp

By Mark A. Rayner on April 12, 2011 in But is it art?, General Skwib, Hinky History

Many art historians believe this painting is called The Anatomy Lesson of Dr. Nicolaes Tulp, but they are sadly mistaken. What Rembrandt has portrayed, quite brilliantly, I believe, is the moments before the attack of the first ever zombie.

Dr. Nicholaes Tulp was regarded as a highly moral doctor and surgeon, and he taught anatomy. However, he was getting frustrated with the limitations of only being allowed to dissect the corpses of criminals, which were only usable until they started to rot. He experimented with several “reanimation” processes so his students could see muscles in action, as well as extending the “life” of the corpses they were examining. Up until the time of this painting, he had been unsuccessful, but during the middle of this particular examination, the corpse, a recently executed Aris Kindt woke up.

The first to die was Kris Vandenclod, who was about to graduate from the college, and who is pictured, his head pushed forward over the corpse to get a closer look at the arm muscles. His throat was fully exposed, and quite easy to rip out, even for a newly re-animated zombie.

Art historians have noted “the whole scene is bathed in a dramatic light, imbuing the composition with a sense of action and suspense” [source]. This drama makes SO much more sense when you consider that Rembrandt painted this to celebrate the Dutch victory over the zombies.

Dr. Tulp, surprisingly, avoided becoming a zombie himself by reverse engineering his “animation” matrix, and played a prominent role in the Dutch victory.

Later, he invented the tulip, which he named after himself.

Feel free to check out Wikipedia’s entry on this painting, but they have most of this wrong.

Alltop doesn’t believe that tulips exist.

Nudels

By Mark A. Rayner on February 8, 2011 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Stacy is horrified by tofu

When her friends invited her to the Harry Harrison Make Room! Make Room! Noodle Bar, Stacy expected a fun night out. Perhaps they would drink too much sake, eat some noodles tinted with green dye (that they would jokingly call “soylent green”) and forget about the tiny zombies rampaging through the city.

To her horror, she was presented with tofu.

More terrifying tofu here. Thanks to Betenoir for the photo.

Refugees from the Zombie Apocalypse

By Mark A. Rayner on August 3, 2010 in But is it art?, Hinky History, Parody & Satire

It was their last refuge — the sea.

Having escaped death at the hands of brain-hungry zombies, these poor people have now had to endure days at sea on this makeshift raft. At first, it was kind of fun. They played “I Spy”, the geography game, and when the seas were calm enough, charades. But then they ran out of food and good spirits. Of the 150 survivors for the zombie apocalypse who got on the raft, only 15 survived the days of madness, starvation, dehydration and an ironic bit of cannibalism.

Then they landed on the coast, where they were eaten by waiting zombies.

Of course, this tale is only a bit less horrible then the historical event it is actually based on. The Raft of the Medusa was painted by the French Romantic painter Théodore Géricault in 1818-1819; he picked this topic because he knew it would be controversial and help to launch his career. The historical event, the scandal it caused, and the painting it inspired are all described in Death and the Masterpiece.

Alltop doesn’t think it should be called cannibalism if you only ate one foot. See the gallery of all the Famous paintings with SF Titles here.

Special Valentine’s Day Cards

By Mark A. Rayner on February 12, 2010 in Parody & Satire

Even radioactive mutants need love

Even radioactive mutants need love. Happy VD!

Will you still love me when Seth releases me from the underworld? Cause I'll find you.

Will you still love me when Seth releases me from the underworld? Cause I’ll find you. Happy VD!

Valentine's day card 2

Last night I had the strangest dream … I was filling bottles … thousands of bottles … and when I awoke, all I could think of was you. Happy VD!

Alltop is also fond of mutants undead who also make you fill bottles. Originally published Feb., 2007.

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Tag Archives | Zombies

Alltop and enjoys its morning milkshake. Photo by thebigdurian. Originally published October, 2009.

Alltop doesn’t believe that tulips exist.

Alltop doesn’t think it should be called cannibalism if you only ate one foot. See the gallery of all the Famous paintings with SF Titles here.

Alltop is also fond of mutants undead who also make you fill bottles. Originally published Feb., 2007.