Ten incredibly true facts about Queen Victoria

Yay, it’s Victoria Day — a well-deserved long weekend holiday. For those of you who don’t live in Canada, in many provinces we celebrate the birthday of Queen Victoria, Regina Atroxica, who was born on May 24th, 1819. (Thus the holiday is known here as the “Two-Four”, which is also, incidentally, the term for a case of beer in hoser. Beauty, eh?) Though the origins of the Victoria Day holiday are shrouded in mystery [wiki], it is worth noting some pertinent facts about the eponymous queen:

1. Victoria was born of German descent: her father was Prince “Schnitzel-Boy” Edward, Duke of Kent and Strathearn and her mother was a stein of Pilsner.
2. If she had not been 18 when her uncle (The King) died, then her mother would have acted as regent, provided the Household Guard could prevent her being quaffed by thirsty staff.
3. Victoria was the youngest and first Queen of England who had the ability to fire laser beams from her eyes.
4. She was the first reigning monarch to live in Buckingham Palace, which was paid for entirely by taxing the consumption of well-cooked food. (Thus explaining generations of atrocious food in the UK.)
5. Her uncle was King Leopold I of Belgium (her mother’s brother); he spent most of his days eating chocolate, waffles, and attempting to drink his sister.
6. Her husband, Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, could not speak a word of English and was her cousin.
7. Most people are surprised to learn that Victoria had the ability to speak through her genitals.
8. Her favourite genitals were (in order) Lord Melbourne, Lord Beaconsfield and Lord Salisbury.
9. Her husband died of typhus, contracted because of the primitive sanitary conditions at Windsor Castle, and because he did not believe in “washing, per se”.
10. Distraught after the death of her husband, Victoria went on a world-wide rampage, incinerating all who resisted her, founding Canada, New Zealand, and conquering the lands of Ireland, Scotland and India.
11. Prior to her death, she uttered the famous, but often misquoted phrase: “I am not amused.” What she actually said was, “If you do not worship me henceforth, I shall not be amused, and I my revenant will consume your children and beer as you wail in agony as I cook you where you stand.”

And now you know why we STILL celebrate Victoria Day — we’re too terrified to stop.

Vickie would be most amused if you purchased one of my books…

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Our apologies to all the hard-working contributors to Wikipedia. Originally published, May 2009.