One of the Magi Explains About the Myrrh

three magi at night
Everyone keeps giving me crap about my gift to Jesus, the Son of God, the Messiah, and King of Kings.

“Isn’t myrrh basically perfume for mummies?” these ass-clowns keep asking me. “Is that an appropriate gift for a BABY?”

Look, first off you have to realize that I planned to bring gold.

But Caspar called dibs on that. Fair enough, I thought, he is the “Keeper of the Treasure” or whatever those freaky Chaldeans call him. I don’t know. Those people have some weird habits. Ever heard of doing the Chaldean Donkey? But they have lots of gold, and Caspar is wealthier than Croesus.

So I thought, no problem. I’ll give Him some nice Frankincense. That stuff rocks. I would wear it every day if it didn’t make me smell like a Babylonian prostitute. But then I found out that bastard Balthazar already had a pearl-encrusted, gilt box filled with the stuff.

“WTF Balthazar? I was going to give The Messiah Frankincense.” He just flipped me off. That Balthazar is an Indo-Parthian twat, and a show-off to boot. Pearl-encrusted, my ass. We said one gift.

I was happy to represent though. I mean, of the three magi sent from the East, I was the only one who was a real magi. I went to Zoroastrian High, did my undergraduate degree at Azura University and my doctorate at the prestigious Zoroaster School at the University of the Great Whore of Babylon (a party college, but the program is well respected.) Without me those tools — who are kings and members of the high caste, but who never finished their basic studies — wouldn’t have even found Bethlehem. I mean, they couldn’t even identify their own asses, let alone The Star.

Myrrh, for those in the know, is one of the most holy of essential oils, which is why those decadent Egyptians use it for their mummification rituals. And yes, it’s a little bitter, but really, I have to object to the freakin’ hymn:

Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes a life of gathering gloom;
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,
Sealed in the stone cold tomb.

It’s about salvation, not just death and dying. It’s meant to represent that He was going to help us rise above death again. AND it’s got freakin’ medicinal values. Suck on that gold!

But I must admit, I probably shouldn’t have given it to Him in a lamb’s bladder. That was taking the symbolism too far.

The End

The FatnessGive the gift of satirical fiction …

 The Fatness

A satire about concentration camps for fat people and bureaucracy gone mad. (A love story.)

Buy the Book

Amazon Smashwords Barnes & Noble
Alltop loves a good lamb’s bladder cup. Originally published in 2010.

, , , , , , , ,

6 Responses to One of the Magi Explains About the Myrrh

  1. Matrtin December 13, 2010 at 10:59 am #

    Good stuff! If you haven’t seen it, check out this related classic:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6phIWxmF0k

  2. Mark A. Rayner December 13, 2010 at 11:17 am #

    Love it!

  3. alejna December 16, 2010 at 9:35 pm #

    This was perfect. This is just the sort of Christmas story I can get behind.

    I loved this bit: “these ass-clowns keep asking me. ‘Is that an appropriate gift for a BABY?'”

    You know, come to think of it, I’ve never seen anyone put myrrh on their Babies R Us registry.

  4. Mark A. Rayner December 17, 2010 at 9:58 am #

    I didn’t even KNOW there was a Babies R US registry. Poor myrrh.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tweets that mention mark a. rayner --> scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: » Blog Archive » A Magi Explains About the Myrrh -- Topsy.com - December 13, 2010

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Mark A. Rayner, Mark A. Rayner. Mark A. Rayner said: A flash fiction in which one of the Magi explains, "why the myrrh." http://fb.me/KlhC4K6a […]

  2. mark a. rayner --> scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: » Blog Archive » More Christmas goofiness - December 15, 2010

    […] lest you think I don’t create any of my own content, perhaps you didn’t see the flash fiction below, about a certain Magi and his need to explain “why the myrrh?” Well, there you go. Merry Frickin’ Christmas […]