The trip back to the Drunka Grunka’s lands would be a long one — of all the Grunka tribes, the Drunkas lived the farthest away from the place of the Great Gathering.
But Thag was happy. For at least one season he would be free of his mate’s incessant nagging, not to mention her infidelities. And he wasn’t only leaving the frustrations of Onga behind — for many turnings of the moon, Thag would be free of the annoying shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother.
He was traveling back to the Drunka Grunka homelands to learn the art of making the delectable new beverage, beer. In exchange, Thag was going to paint a magnificent cave mural for them. So while he might be leaving his own tribe, the Thunka Grunkas behind, he was starting to see that there would be no shortage of behinds.
For some reason, the Drunka Grunka women were blessed with an overabundance of fundament — they looked like a herd of mammoth from the back — and it wasn’t until their second week on the trail that he learned why.
Twigla was a beautiful young Drunka Grunka woman, who was without a mate, and one evening as the Drunkas bedded down in their sleeping furs — most of them were paired off — Thag noticed that Twigla was unmated, and sad. In fact, she sat on a boulder at the edge of their campsite, watching the moon rise, a few tears glistening in the silvery light.
“Why Twigla sad?” he asked her as he joined her on the boulder.
“Twigla not have mate. Twigla lonely.”
Thag was intrigued, especially to hear that she had the same command of the Grunka tongue as he did.
“Why Twigla not have mate?” he asked. “Twigla beauty.”
“Thag nice caveman. But not true. Twigla have small bottom.”
“But shapely,” Thag observed, hoping he did not overstep his place as a guest of the Drunka Grunkas.
“Thag think so?”
“Shapely!” he grunted.
“But much junk admired by Drunka Grunkas. Big butts men get!” she wailed.
“Not grok,” Thag grunted. “Twigla beauty.”
She stopped sniffling and wrapped her arm around his. “Me glad Thag learn make beer,” she sighed.
The sabbatical was looking better and better.
Based on New Scientist Story: Stone Age junk. Alltop has funny junk too. Originally published in 2006.