Upon reflection the Council agreed that the “Hug a Bobby” campaign had been ill-conceived and badly mismanaged.

In an age of suicide bombers and rampant oral sex, the very act of hugging strange Londoners involved a great deal of danger for the police constables, both moral and physical. The city’s population had not responded with much enthusiasm anyway.

Of course, it didn’t help that their promotional poster showed Constable Berty Righnworm, standing in a pool of his own urine.

[From the Toulouse Le Grandfig Collection]

Alltop and humor-blogs.com think incontinence is not a laughing matter. Originally published March 2006.

A public service announcement from The Skwib

This time of year can be troubling for bloggers; the days get shorter, the holiday season has its own particular stresses, and for those running weblogs, there are the dangers of SAD.

Statistical Affective Disorder (SAD) is caused by an abrupt and inexplicable drop in the visitor statistics to your blog. Early symptoms include:

• sudden weeping
• shout at the ceiling: “why, why, gods of blog … why?”
• desperate attempts/plans/Fred Flintstone-like schemes to boost readership including:
• massive increase in Tweets
• hyper-active friending on Facebook
• increased meme generation.

As the disorder progresses, you may find yourself:

• bitter
• angry
• drunk.

And in the final stages, SAD can even lead to:

• apathy
• self-loathing
• watching TV and reading books.

If you have any of these symptoms you may have SAD, and should seek qualified psychiatric help at the first opportunity. Alternatively, you could just turn off your damned computer.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com both suffer from FUN (Frequent, Uncomfortable Noobishness). Originally published in December 2005.)

The Skwib: Thank you Dr. Tundra for agreeing to chat with us about your controversial new sect of Pastafarianism. Could you explain to our readers, in case they don’t already know, what the differences between your group and other Pastafarians are?

Dr. Tundra: You’re welcome. Well, as you know, Pastafarianism is about worshiping the great Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), in all its noddly goodness. In most respects we follow the teachings of its Prophet, Bobby Henderson, but in one important aspect, we differ. We believe it is Vikings, not pirates, that cause the multitude of ills that affect us: global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters.

So, naturally, instead of wearing full pirate regalia, we like to trick ourselves out in Viking gear.

The Skwib: Yes, I was going to say that is a very impressive horned helmet you are wearing. My understanding is that it’s a myth that Vikings wore them, though

Dr. Tundra: It’s true — the historical Vikings rarely wore them, and we would never wear them if we were going into battle. But the FSM said we should make it easy to see we were the true religion.

The Skwib: Are there any other differences between you and the pirate-loving Pastafarians?

Dr. Tundra: Oh, we love pirates too, but they are not the cause of global warming. Much of our new creed is still being revealed to me by the Great Pasta. But we believe it is more than natural disasters that are caused by the lack of Vikings. The increased number of orphaned socks, for example.

Now, one of the first missions of the First Church of the Noodly Norsemen is to increase our numbers.

The Skwib: Really, the Noodly Norsemen?

Dr. Tundra: We’re still working on the name for our Church. What matters is that we follow the Prophet’s teachings.

The Skwib: So what drew you to Pastafarianism in the first place?

Dr. Tundra: Initially I was drawn to the flimsy moral standards, but I also like the Friday religious holiday.

The Skwib: So you got into it for crass personal reasons? We note that you have a rather suspect career. Is it true that you have lost your license to practice medicine?

Dr. Tundra: Ah, ah, I’m having a vision …

The Skwib: And is it also true that you have a, shall we say, somewhat avant garde approach to the use of pharmaceuticals?

Dr. Tundra: The Great Pasta is speaking to me … O’ ramen pasta yum! O’ ramen pasta yum!

Alltop and humor-blogs.com believe global warming is caused by a lack of laughter. Believe it or not, this post was originally published in August, 2005!

You can now check out the 100th edition of the storyblogging carnival at Back of the Envelope. Or perhaps you’ll check it out later — I will.

Okay, we’re back. On a fresh install of Wordpress and at a whole new host. And I’ve only aged 10 years.

A few kinks to work out, such as, “what the hell happened to all the links in the blogroll?” Totally gone.

So, if you were accustomed to seeing your blog over there to the right, I’ll be working towards getting it back as soon as I can. If you’d like to be added, or want to ensure to be returned, please leave a comment below.

Thanks for your patience, and now, back to our regularly scheduled monkeys…

Jeremy the Clown had saved the AI revolution from its own destructive impulses, but everyone felt funny about it.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com both suffer from coulrophobia. Thanks to Blue Beany for the clown.

The latest pharmaceutical to fix your psychic woes: Havidol. Alltop and humor-blogs.com may want to check with their doctors to see if this drug is right for them.

Sure, we’re just like regular folk, except we have the resources of an entire galaxy or two at our command, so they tend to be a little more outré.

Its Intergalactic Royal Thing, Bill McReady, is the overlord of the Delle Caustiche and SagDEG galaxies (actually the latter is more of a dwarf elliptical galaxy than a real galaxy like mine — uh, I mean ours). He is a train enthusiast, but instead of using toy trains, he simply snatches actual locomotives from a variety of planets that use the same gauge track. (It’s surprising how many civilizations have opted for your standard gauge.) Unfortunately for said civilizations, and the unlucky passengers of these snatched trains, it took Its Intergalactic Royal Thing, Bill McReady, about 60 years to realize that he needed to add some kind of dining service on his hobby train network, or the passengers tended to resort to Donner Party-like behaviors.

Don’t worry, at the last Intergalactic Overlord Conference, I didn’t mention Earth.

Lady Shiva Deathbunny, the overlord of the Calabash and Rotten Egg Nebulas is an aficionado of butterflies, and has an extensive collection. I believe she likes them best deep-fried.

Personally, I collect buttons.

Next time: There’s a woman at work that I really like, but I think she might be put off by the alien proboscis growing out of my neck. How do I get her to go out with me?

Alltop and humor-blogs.com need to get a hobby.

Let’s hope this one is better!

[Feed cuts in and we see Doctor John Falangiopolous, a distinguished-looking epidemiologist, sit down and pull the two lone microphones towards himself. He seems somewhat disappointed to notice that there are only a few reporters present.]

JF: Hello, I’m Doctor John Falangiopolous and we’re here to talk about my study, which shows that most studies are wrong.

You have the briefing materials, but in essence my research shows that small sample sizes, poor study design, researcher bias, and selective reporting and other problems combine to make most research findings false.

In fact, any randomly chosen study has only a 50 percent chance of being right.

Cindy Luhoo, CMN: Cindy Luhoo, CMN. So if that is the case, how do we know your study is right?

JF: Well, of course, I knew the irony of situation, but let me assure you, because of the nature of my study, I was careful to ensure that I did not make any of the mistakes that are so common.

It’s important to note that in the scientific process, it is not the first discovery that is critical, but the replication and confirmation that matters, because quite often research is refuted or shown to be incorrect.

CL: Follow up question: Like your study?

JF: No, my study is quite accurate, but I suppose we will not know for sure until my findings have been replicated by another scientist.

Bob Flaberghast, Washington Times-Journal: Bob Flaberghast, Washington Times-Journal, here. So, I’m confused. Should we be reporting on this or not?

JF: Yes, the study merits media attention. In fact, my hope is that the general public will understand that any particular study is not fact until it has been replicated by other studies.

BF: Well, then why cover it in the first place? Shouldn’t we wait for the replicating studies?

CL: Yes, but what about the news value Bob? Who cares about the second study?

BF: But Dr. Falangiopolous is saying that the first study doesn’t really matter.

CL: He didn’t say that Bob! God you always jump to these conclusions.

BF: Hey, I at least think about it a bit before I write something. At least I’m not just slapping it on the air as soon as I have some kind of film or actuality I can use.

CL: Bob, that’s not fair –

JF: If I could just interject for a moment, I think I can –

BF: Of course it’s fair. I can’t help it if your medium demands instant gratification.

CL: Well my medium may demand instant gratification, but at least I don’t.

BF: Oh! You bitch!

CL: Doctor Falangiopolous, would you say it’s normal for a man to ejaculate the very second of penetration?

JF: Well, uh, my field of research is epidemiology, so I’m not sure that I’m qualified to –

BF: Oh, ignore her because she’s been passed up for an anchor job again.

CL: You prick!

JF: Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t see how –

BF & CL: Shut up!

JF: I will not shut up. This is my media conference. We’re here to talk about my study –

BF: Which by your own admission has only a 50 percent chance of being right?

JF: Yes, but the point is –

CL: So you have it. Put the camera on me. On me! Good. So there you have it folks, this study is worthless and Bob is a premature ejaculator.

BF: Are you doing a stand-up in the middle of news conference?

CL: Yes jiffy pop. What’s it to you?

BF: I told you never to call me that. It makes me angry

[Camera pans wildly, we see Dr. Falangiopolous making cutting motion with his hand, Bob approaching Cindy, who looks simultaneously pissed off and terrified ... feed cuts out.]

Obviously, this is another piece from the archives — however, my theory is that if it’s more than two years old, then it will seem new. This is based on a 2005 story in the New Scientist: Most scientific papers are probably wrong . (The story, not the theory.) Thanks to Mars Discovery District for the nerds. Other geekery is available at humor-blogs.com and alltop.

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