The 70s called

The 70s called

I remember talking to my Grandfather on the phone in 1974. He was in Canada, and I was in the UK.

There was an echo that made it very difficult to hear his voice; I think he struggled even more than I did with managing to talk over what we’d just said, as it bounced around in the cable under the sea. It actually sounded like he was submerged, his voice was so faint and distant. It was still pretty exciting to talk to him, though, especially since I knew he was so far away.

I have no idea what he’d make of my iPhone. He was a practical guy though, so he’d just probably use it, no doubt after swearing a bit about how tiny the buttons were.

Alltop has humor on the line.

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What Groundhog Day Means on Alternative Earths

Groundhog laughing

  • Our Universe: groundhog sees its shadow = 6 more weeks of winter.
  • Foofy Bum Universe: annual celebration of Lord Fuzzy’s victory over the Lizard Horde.
  • Zentropia Universe: day of the year when all rodents are allowed to drive.
  • It’s-in-the-hole! Universe: Bill Murray [praise be his name] emerges from his four-fold slumber and chooses what remakes will be permitted in Hollywood that year.
  • Universe of the Great Unnamed Ones: groundhog sees its shadow = 6 more eons of creeping dread.
Alltop loves seeing its own humor.

 

 

The Bellerephon Problem

a monkey riding a goat

Bellerophon rides Pegasus to do battle with the Chimera

After murdering his brother for eating all the Cheetos, Bellerephon was exiled from Corinth. (A city famed for its Elvis impersonators and epic combovers.)

Then his luck turned. After avoiding the mechanized Probe-a-trons sent by the King of Corinth (aka, Dad) to finish him off, the plucky psychopath found refuge at the city of Tiryns, one of the Mycenaean strongholds of the Argolid. (This means they had a fortress AND indoor plumbing.)

Bellerephon wasted no time getting busy. And so, he was soon accused of attempting to rape the King of Tiryns’ wife, Antea. But the King of Tiryns did not want to kill our “hero” (we are legally obligated to use that term, even though “protagonist” would be more accurate). You see, our “hero” and the king had already shared a meal together, and the gods frowned on the killing of houseguests. (Though not brothers, apparently.) Instead, he sent Bellerephon on a suicide mission to kill the Chimera.

Scraped together from bits of DNA in the lab of Dr. Zeus, Father of the Gods (and a thorough maniac) the Chimera had the body of a goat, the tail of a serpent, the gonads of the Epherian bull, and the head of a lion. Oh, and it breathed fire. It enjoyed terrorizing the villagers of Lycia when it wasn’t violating unsuspecting she-bovines.

Thanks Zeus!

Athena, who in addition to being a god, was the CEO of a major multinational that dealt in common sense, knew that this was an excellent chance to destroy the Chimera. (They’d wanted to move into the Lycian market for years, but their sales force kept getting incinerated before they could ink a deal.) She helped Bellerephon to saddle and tame the mighty Pegasus. (In addition to being able to fly, Pegasus was flame retardant.)

Even this marvellous steed could not save them from the fiery breath of the Chimera. They were doomed. DOOOOMED!

Then Bellerephon had an idea. Using Pegasus as an ersatz dive-bomber, they approached the Chimera, and at the last moment, he threw a massive chunk of lead at the beast’s mouth. Its flaming breath melted the lead, which blocked its airway, and the creature was killed!

And instead of being killed for his attempted rape of Antea, he was lauded as a hero! (Not just a “hero.”) Oh, the sexy parties. The gold. The women. The giant swollen mellon that was his ego.

That’s when he decided to run for public office.

The End

The Fridgularity Buy my latest novel, which is the mythic tale of a chimeric fridge. Available in all formats in all the usual places online:

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Alltop is more of a gorgon-slaying humor aggregator.

Helping the constabulary with their inquiries

Danger, danger Will RobinsonAt first he fought he was nicked, didn’he?

He fought, “‘allo, what’s ol’ bill comin’ round me jam jar for?”

Then he learned, didn’he? Ol’ Bill knew all about that Docta’ Smif fellow, right? ‘Ow ‘e were always ‘angin’ around that little bugga’ Will and ‘is feckin’ constant questions. “Wot’s that robot? Are we lost robot? Can you open this can of spam robot?” Feckin’ constant they were.

So, is just seemed natural to frame up that boy-hungry Docta’, weren’t it? In short, the plan were werkin’. He just had to rememba’ to vaporize all the bodies and then he’d be well clear of the Eartha Kitt.

Alltop is increasingly concerned about the toaster uprising. Photo via Strange Ink. Language is a cyber-simulacrum of Cockney rhyming slang. Originally published September, 2009.