After the Clown Apocalypse

evolution ape to unicyclist

Like all pandemics, the Bozo Virus ran its course.

For those of us who were immune, we had to watch society go mad with clowning. Some saw the horrors of chainsaw juggling. Others experienced the exquisite madness of of buffoonibalism. We were there to witness the collapse of a global economy, the end of civilization as we knew it. In the years since, scientists have estimated that roughly four percent of the population was immune to the virus. We were not the only survivors, though.

Some of the afflicted were not as driven by the need to do bits, gags and business. Unlike most of the victims, who either starved to death, or who could not stand the dearth of applause, some survived the flatness of their frameworks. They lived, and so, passed on their virus-learned tricks and trade. Roughly four percent of the population survived BV too.

Geneticists have yet to determine what this will mean for the trajectory of the human species. What we do know is this — sales of unicycles are at an all-time high.

Alltop is selected for humor. Image by Tony Vazquez.

0

Why the 30 Years War lasted so long

General on the Battlefield

Christian Sell – General on the Battlefield – ca. 1648

It wasn’t just because all the players had such deeply held religious beliefs. It was also because they had a virtual parity in robots and x-wing fighters. Just a little tip of balance, and it would have been over in weeks.

Alltop tips the balance towards funny. Excellent photoshoppery by David Blackwell.

0

Leonides and the papier-mâché spatula

lady wakes up to discover she's a velocoraptor

Gregorina awoke that morning feeling stranger than usual. She’d had vivid dreams of ravaging Leonides, their local butcher, with his own meat tenderizer.

In the dream – or perhaps it would do her good to think of it as a nightmare – Leonides seemed to enjoy the beginning of his beating, but when he realized it was not an overture to a more gentle form of lovemaking, and in fact, the beginning of the end of his life, he cried out in existential anguish: “Oh no! Not with the mallet I use to prepare scaloppini, not such an ignominious and ironic end for poor Leonides!” (Clearly, Gregorina’s unconscious suspected that Leonides had taken an English degree before learning a more useful trade.)

As she dressed, Gregorina could not shake the image of the butcher’s terror, spurting blood, and excellent prices on Bavarian blutwurst.

And all day, she kept having to floss.

The Amadeus NetGet The Amadeus Net for $2.99 on Smashwords (all ebook formats are available there). Guaranteed 100% cannibalism free!

Use coupon:

DG32A

Alltop loves weird couponing.