The Trustworthiness of Beards

Trustworthiness of beardsFinally, a new advance in the Beard Sciences! Here at the Institute of the Hirsute, we applaud this initiative.

This exhaustive study of trustworthiness, vis-a-vis a gentlemen’s hair foliage, will help generations better understand who they’re dealing with. (Click the image on the left to see the full spectrum of beard/trustworthiness.)

I would like to note one area where this study has made, what I believe, to be an error. Of course, I’m talking about the Stalin’s Moustache paradigm. Please note the shape of Stalin’s moustache, and then map it on the trustworthiness scale. As you can see, it is clearly falling somewhere between the Full Moustache (aka The Wilfred Brimley) and the Cop Moustache (aka The Burt Reynolds, aka, The Fireman), which both fall into the Mildly Trustworthy category. Stalins' moustacheI note a very slight, almost impossible to detect upturning of Stalin’s moustache, which may lead one to place it slightly towards the Handlebar (Questionable), and would like to propose that the Stalin have it’s own place in the scale. Based on the purges, his ruthlessness, and general history, somewhere between Dangerous and Disastrous.

In all other regards, though, this new Chin Covering Spectrum is an extremely important tool for those of us in the Beard Sciences.

Excelsior!

Check out some hairy reads here …

Alltop is sporting some Mutton Chops, but we think it’s okay.

0

Apocalypse Cow

apocalypse cow

Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were going all the way. Kurtz got off the boat. He split from the whole fuckin’ program.

And me? I was off the boat the same time as Kurtz. Sure, I’d been obeying orders, but my mind was gone. I was in fields of green and clover. With milkmaids.

Oh man, those bullshit milkmaids…

But I had a job to do, and there would be no welcome, supple fingers pulling on my teats when we got to the end of the river. Only charcoal briquettes.

The barbecue … the barbecue.

Alltop is the catastrophic cattle baron of humor. Originally published on Name Your Tale, 2009.

5

The five second rule

red buddhaIt was the best game of zenball ever, and the crowd was wild with excitement: the whisper of butterfly wings was deafening.

The Rotrovra Koan Kangaroos had just scored their first all-in kensho, and the Targenville Half-Lotus Lions replied with a double-satori. The Roos launched a full-out dharma walk, but they were unable to penetrate the Lions’ impressive grasp of paradox.

The Roos had to do something or the Lions would surely win. The hush of the field filled with the deadly susurration of arrows, as they invoked the five second rule.

Afterwards, only the voice of a bamboo flute.

Alltop is the sound of one hand clapping. Originally published on Name Your Tale as The five second rule. Buddha courtesy of Kim Denise.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Ides of March Edition)

Brutus -- the anti-kingJulius Caesar Presents: Won’t Be King (slide 5)

  • Don’t put that diadem around my shoulders
  • Only King in Rome is Jupiter
  • But you can call me King outside Italy
  • What, you got a problem with that?

Spurinna the Soothsayer presents “ooooooo” (slide 1)

  • Beware the Ides of March!
  • Cue the spooky music!

Caesar Presents “What, me worry?” (only slide)

  • Going to speak with the Senate at Pompey’s Theatre
  • You see, soothsayer Spurinna, the Ides of March have come
  • No problem.

Spurinna presents “you’re an idiot” (only slide)

  • It’s the Ides all day, you pillock.

Marcus Brutus presents “anti-king device” (slide 1)

  • Is this a stabby thing you can’t see behind you, Caesar of the Julia?

Marcus Brutus presents “anti-king device” (slide 2)

  • Nope, can’t see it now, ’cause it’s in your back.

Marcus Brutus presents “anti-king device” (slide 5)

  • And again.
  • Thus always to tyrants, even if they may be my father.
Et tu Alltop? Shockingly, originally published in 2006!