Ask General Kang: What should you do if you discover your leader is a hypocrite?

Ask General KangFirst of all, don’t be surprised. Then, I suppose it depends a little what kind of hypocrite.

For example, if you are talking about a leader of a church — let’s say for the sake of argument, an evangelical church that spends much of its efforts demonizing homosexuals — and this reverend is discovered having torrid, drug-fueled homosexual liaisons, then there is really little you can do.

Clearly, such a person is so filled with self-loathing that it will be difficult to punish the leader further. So, just fire them and let the healing begin, though I humbly submit that you may want to have a look at joining a less messed-up church. (Or better yet, join the Church of Kang, where we celebrate every new planet conquered with electric Jello shooters –grape and banana — drunken monkey sex, and several hours of grooming.)

If you’ve got a leader who says he’s the man to bring transparency and decency back to government, and then refuses to talk to the media, let his own backbenchers have a say in policy, and generally acts like a dictator, you have two options: strap on your pink tutu, charge up your plasma weapons and storm his palace, or vote him out of office.

Of course, on my home planet of Neecknaw, we never discovered democracy, so we only ever had that first option.

And thank the Gods of Kang for that!

Next time: Thag want make fire. How make fire?

Alltop is extremely sincere in its desire to make you laugh.

Contempt

contempt

As much as I dislike the tendency of our media to focus on the leaders of the political parties, I think in once case it is clearly warranted. That is for Stephen Harper. I can’t remember another PM or leader of a Canadian political party being such a control freak. Harper’s anal-retentive proclivities reach beyond his own party. They affect our public servants, our government services, and they have even prevented the House of Commons from doing its job. His government is the first in the history of parliamentary democracies to be held in Contempt of Parliament.

Contempt is the word. It’s clearly how he feels about us as voters, judging by his actions as a politician and the leader of our country. Here’s a few of the behaviours I object to:

  • Bush-style fear tactics
  • reliance on negative advertising
  • character assassination
  • unwillingness to embrace the traditions of parliamentary democracy.

He’s contemptuous of his parliamentary colleagues, of the media, of artists, and as much as he likes to speak to “ordinary Canadians”, he doesn’t seem to be looking out for us. The only thing he seems to really care about is winning a majority. If he were to win one, the contempt would become even more naked.

Let’s show him the feeling is mutual.

Feel free to use the poster (it’s derivative, of course, but I hope the irony makes up for that), and if you want a high-res version to print, you can find it here. CC: Attribution, Noncommercial, No Derivative Works

PM discloses previously hidden agenda

Beer robotOTTAWA (The Skwib) — In a media conference this morning, Prime Minister Stephen Harper surprised pundits and announced that the next budget would include massive tax breaks and grants the Canadian high-tech and brewing industries.

“We must close the beer-robot gap as quickly as possible,” Harper told the assembled reporters.

When asked why this was in any way important, Harper produced the Japanese brewer Asahi’s new beer-pouring robot, “Mr. Happy Fun Drinking Device”. The robot opened a beer and poured it into a glass.

Harper did not drink the beer, but instead left it on the stage floor, near the front, where The Skwib reporter was sitting.

“It’s vital that Canada maintain a strong presence in the beer-robot industry, indeed, the entire high-tech alcoholic beverage industry,” Harper said. “We’ve also heard of Austrian robots that can mix a good margarita.”

When asked if he didn’t already have enough to worry about, the possibility of his budget not passing, a vote of non-confidence, the fact that he was an uptight control-freak, and so on, Harper said the new tax breaks and grants might actually help with some of the other problems facing the government.

“Yes, there are incentives to make these new beer-robots multifunctional. If anyone in the aerospace industry can make these fly, and patrol the Canadian artic, then we’ll really have something.”

He said that loaded with Canadian beer, this kind of robot would be excellent at deterring the American navy from encroaching on Canadian artic sovereignty.

“A few large-sized Canadian beers should be enough to disrupt most operations on any American sub,” Harper said, adding that it is well-known most American beer is “like having conjugal relations in a canoe.”

Mr. Harper ignored The Skwib when we asked if Mr. Happy Fun Drinking Device had any peanuts to go with the beer.

Alltop loves it some Bud. Originally published in January 2006. Seriously. Crazy, right? Rewritten, but still inspired by: Asahi’s beer-serving robot