Why Canadians celebrate Queen Victoria’s birthday

Here in Canada we celebrate Queen Victoria’s birthday, and it is known as Victoria Day.*

Why? She has been dead more than a century, and our current Queen has now been reigning longer than Vicky did. I mean, Canada barely has anything to do with the monarchy anymore, the CBC’s fascination with royal weddings (and the ensuing babies) aside.

Do we celebrate this ex-monarch’s natal anniversary because Canadians are great traditionalists and we still carry a torch for the Old Vic? After all, it was under her watchful, un-amused gaze that we started on the road to independence.

No, it is because we are terrified of her.

Those of you lucky enough to be born in Republics will never know the terror of falling asleep, terrified the dreaded Queen Victoria might creep into our rooms to deprive us of love, joy and, perhaps, even our very lives.

A history of worrying eugenics

Like many Royal families in Europe, the House of Hanover once suffered from inbreeding, but through an ad hoc eugenics program, they were able to instil their bloodlines with enough vigour to run roughshod over the United Kingdom. Their secret?

Carpathian werewolves.

It began, of course with Sophia of Hanover, who was quite a looker, but who had a taste for the exotic and enjoyed it a bit rough. Carpathian werewolves were brought in to satisfy her proclivities and produced George I, who became the first Hanoverian to rule Great Britain. Carpathian werewolf tendencies were noticed in George II, but it wasn’t until George III went howlingly mad were people convinced that there was a problem with this eugenics program.

George IV was an indifferent king, and William IV did little damage. However, neither were to produce an heir, and it was up to George III’s fourth son, The Duke of Kent, to produce a new ruler. He did so with the help of Princess Victoria of Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld. Even at the time, there were rumours that the Princess had an extra-marital affair; the lack of genetic weaknesses in Victoria’s children has since been used as evidence.

Of course, we need look no further than the Princess’s diary, dated August 28, 1819 (roughly nine months before Victoria’s birthday) and we can learn the truth: “Did it with that animal again.” Was it another Carpathian werewolf? We can only assume, “yes.”

And so Victoria was the result of a reintroduction of the werewolf DNA, filling her with the vigour, bloodlust and terrifying hunger of the Bane of Carpathia. To this day, she is known for the coldness of her presence, her ability to suck the very joy right out of the room, and her insatiable desire for human flesh.

Here in the colonies we are still terrified of her, and so we ingratiate ourselves with her hairy be-clawed shadow by celebrating her birthday. (Because even if she was “laid to rest” in 1901, we all know she is not gone.)

As it turns out, Carpathian werewolves are put off by large amounts of alcohol and loud banging noises, so in Canada we have incorporated excessive drinking and fireworks in the holiday, just to be on the safe side.

We keep it to holidays, unlike the Australians.

See also: 10 incredibly true facts about Queen Victoria

*VD is a federal holiday, but it is not a stat holiday in all the provinces and territories of Canada. If you’re planning a visit to Canada to celebrate with us, Wikipedia can steer you on where to find the party. Inexplicably, they do not mention the werewolves.