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Ask General Kang: Have you ever cried to win an election?

Ask General KangThere are a few things you need to know before I can answer this question properly:

1) Über-chimps are physically incapable of crying standard tears

2) I’ve only ever won one election and after that there were no more elections.

Now, even though I can’t cry standard tears, I don’t think I would cry them, even to win an election. First of all, I was well-liked before the election. I showed my soft and cuddly side early on, without giving people the idea that I would be a pushover once in office.

Now, if the polls turned against me and I started getting all weepy with standard tears, who was going to take me seriously afterwards? Especially if I was hoping to become an iron-fisted intergalactic overlord.

Why do you keep saying “standard tears”? What kind of tears do über-chimps excrete?

It depends on their phase of life and job description. As an advice columnist and ex-intergalactic overlord, my tears are a mix of vitriol, LSD and despair. On the plus side, they smell like bananas.

Next time: When you’re, um, getting intimate with a love-bot and the low battery signal starts beeping, what’s the proper etiquette for plugging in the recharging prong?

Alltop is always plugged in. Originally published January, 2008.