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Ask General Kang: What do you do when you ask God to smite your enemies, but no smiting ensues?

Ask General KangAh, you human monkeys and your penchant for violent fiction!

Of course, this question has no meaning for me, because I have neither been influenced by the collective delusion you call “God”, nor have I ever asked anyone else to do my smiting for me.

I suppose I should have said, what does “one” do…

Yes, in addition to belief in quaint Earth mythologies, the grammar of your question was misleading.

Now, in terms of your “enemy” are we talking a whole planet, nation/tribe, or are we talking about Lenny Down in Accounting, the bastard who ate the last donut this morning? If the former, then I think you need to get a little more smiting under your belt first. Start small by invading an unarmed nation, like Denmark or Canada. And remember to stretch first!

And if it’s Lenny, I have to mention that you’re asking a nonexistent supreme being to have a go at your easily destroyed foe, so my guess is that subconsciously, you don’t really want to hurt him at all. You probably should forgive him for choking down the last cruller, and make nice.

That or beat him senseless with a whiffle-bat.

Next time: When you’re going out with friends, how do you decide where to eat? Also, do you have friends?

Alltop smites the enemies of comedy. Originally published in May, 2006.