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Ask General Kang: What is the best approach of making first contact with a race that thinks of your species as food?

Ask General KangThis is one of the first sensible questions people have asked me on this column. Most of your questions are about petty human concerns such as getting a mate, and what kind of loofah should you use. Thank you!

You’re welcome. So, what should we do?

I’ve got some direct experience with this particular problem, back when I was the Interstellar Overlord of the Neecknaw Federation.

You see, we’d just finished “liberating” the remainder of our galaxy, which shall remain nameless in case you primitive hominids ever figure out the secrets of faster-than-light star travel. The outer arms of that galaxy happened to be — at that time — somewhat close to the next galaxy, which we decided to explore.

To our horror, this galaxy was run by something called the Bush-Meat Oligarchy, and the most intelligent creatures in our galaxy (über-chimps, gorilloids, and hyper-otangs all) were seen by them as food! We were horrified!

So what did you do?

We imploded the star next their home world, causing it to collapse into a black hole, which destroyed the planet where all the oligarchs lived. Their inter-stellar civilization collapsed, allowing us to incorporate it into our freedom-loving federation of planets.

But what if you don’t have that kind of technology or power? What should humans to?

I’d recommend over-salting yourselves.

Next time: If we don’t have free will, how do you explain these pants?

Alltop tastes funny.