Austrians invent ultimate barfly stool

Innsbruck, Austria (The Skwib) — Not to be outdone by their Bavarian cousins across the border, a group of crack Austrian drinking scientists have created Der Trinkender Sitz — an automated seat designed for Oktoberfest.

“Yes, ve hope to sell these for Oktoberfest, but they are ideal for any … how do you say, you Americans. Ah, yes, any barfly,” Doctor Hans Pilsner told The Skwib.

Pilsner demonstrated the device, which looks like a tall, comfy highchair. Before sitting down on the stool, he opened a panel at the back of the back support, and inserted his finger into a small hole.

“This takes a blood test,” he explained. “So the device knows when you have reached your maximum allowable blood alcohol and instructs catheter to disengage.”

The catheter?

Yes, before sitting down, the scientist put on sterile gloves, lubricated the device, and . . . well, it is a long and what appears to be a painful procedure.

“Now all you have to do is sit down and enjoy your evening. You do not have to get up again until it is time for you to be . . . what is your idiom? Ah. Yes. Time for you to be poured into your cab to take you home,” he grinned.

Is it worth it?

“I must be honest. Only if you are extremely serious about your drinking. The other benefit of the device is that it will give you a gentle electrical shock in your bladder when you have reached your maximum blood alcohol level, as determined by your weight and the earlier blood test.”

Shocking indeed.

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