Christmas Gift Guide, Part One

Welcome to the first part of our Christmas Gift Guide. We say ‘Christmas’ because we wanted to use the picture of Santa at his commode, but really, most of these gifts are so hopelessly weird that they would work for practically any occasion, any time when you wanted to tell that special someone: “here’s what I think of you.”

Dr. Maximillian Tundra’s Gift Suggestions

As you know, Dr. Tundra is also the founder of the Noodly Norsemen, a sect of Pastafarians who believe that it is the lack of Vikings, not pirates, that is the cause of global warming. So his first few gift suggestions are somewhat colored by this latest obsession.

All-expense paid trip to Up Helly Aa

On the last Tuesday in January, the town of Lerwick, Shetland Islands, revives its Viking past. Not only do they consume excessive amounts of mead, they actually torch a Viking longship. The only way to make this celebration more complete would be to row down to Northumberland and sack a few monasteries first, but alas, this did not go so well the first year they tried that.

You will stay in downtown Lerwicks’s fabulous Nazi Youth Hostel (where you will be asked to leave the building by 8:30 am, right after you’ve cleaned the toilets). You will be able to listen to the ‘Guizer Jarl’ retell Norse epic poetry while you experience the bracing weather of the North Sea in January! Not to mention the Guizer Hop, where you’ll dance, drink and vomit all night.

And all the lutefisk you can eat!

Price: $3500, from The Beating Off Trail Travel Company
More on Up Helly Aa from the Shetland Travel Bureau.

Viking costumes

If you can’t afford to give your loved one’s the luxury of a trip to the Shetlands in January, surely you will want to purchase some Viking regalia so that they’ll be ready for the Friday church service of the Noodly Norsemen at Hooters. For example, this fine Battle Ready Sword.

Price: $500, from the Jelling Dragon.

Skullpot

And finally, if you need to find a more reasonably-priced Viking gift, Dr. Tundra suggests this Athelstan’s Skullpot. This is a replica of Athelsan’s skull — the Northumbrian Saxon king — this is rare item, the skull, lobotomized around the ancient iron crown. Good for drinking from, and keeping your car keys in.

Price: $45, from Alchemy Carta

Next time: General Kang’s baffling gift ideas