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Don't Eat It Ross! Episode Two: Attack of the Kim-Cheeeeee!

by Ross, guest columnist and gastronomic daredevil

So, a colleague of mine shows up to work today with several jars of kimchi. “Kimchi,” he explains, “is a staple of the Korean diet.” Peering into the jar, I think to myself, “Does the Korean diet include bloody chunks of carcass?”

Kimchee in jar

Turns out that kimchi is actually cabbage, pickled in red chili paste, and then placed in clay pots and buried for three years. This particular kimchi is young, apparently, at “only” three months of age. Spicy, rotted, fermenting cabbage? Deeeeee-lish!

Kimchee in jar (side view)

It occurs to me that there’s something not quite right here. Then I realize what it is: Presentation! When I was a line cook, we covered up all sorts of nastiness just by adding extra parsley, or a nicer-looking plate. Unfortunately, nothing can cover up the distinctive taste of “floor spice.”

Kimchee in one plate (icky view)

I’m admiring my culinary craftsmanship when all of a sudden, my supervisor sticks his nose in and says, “Back home in Georgia we have a saying: Anyone who would eat that, but refuse to eat dog turds, is just plain stubborn.”

Right, like corn-pone with fried possum is some gourmet shit. Jerkoff!

Okay, down the gullet. I write a quick letter to my stomach lining, saying gentle words and that I’ll miss it terribly.

Kimchee on fork (side view)

My face is easily as red as the kimchi. God-DAMN. This is Satan’s coleslaw.

About Ross, Gastronomic Daredevil

Ross Armstrong is a raconteur, imbiber of scotch and eater of things that he probably shouldn’t. Donations to help pay for his gastroenterologist and psychotherapy bills can be sent via Paypay (click on donate button on sidebar).