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Forty-Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#41)

From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations

The iTaser -- music and non-lethal force at the same time!And truly, there will come a time when the faithful women-folk of a distant land will no longer run through the Forests of the City without protection, for the men-folk will not Exercise with them and protect them with their bulk.

And lo! A Prophet shall say, “I shall protect you, though your men-folk do not!”

And the Prophet will construct devices of cunning, colored “fashion” pink, and “red-hot” red. And some devices will be covered with the Skin of a Leopard. Others will be “matte” black, and hidden in holsters of cow skin.

The Prophet shall sell these devices for a reasonable price, and they will be Weapons that Harness the Lightning. And when their Lightning is released upon the Unbelievers, the Rapists, and other Beasts of the Forest of the City, they shall say, “ung-ung-ung!” and fall twitching to the ground.

And all the while, the faithful women-folk of this distant land shall listen to the Music of the Heavens. And they shall glory in the Songs of Prince, and the Madonna, and other Holy Crooners that are good to hear when running, for the device can hold many songs.

Alltop like’s Bagel’s idea. (see comments) Read the signs yourself | The Prophets of Humor. Originally published January 2010.


  1. Hmmm… I own 23 different versions of the bible and I can’t seem to find this in any of them! :p

    PS, I’m a girl and I prefer a Glock with hollowpoints but that’s just me…

  2. Sensible, but can you listen to music with it? m.

  3. So these will protect me, but won’t exercise with me?
    Really, all they need to do is elongate and taper the end a bit….

  4. Now there’s a gadget waiting to be invented — combination taser and sex toy! m.

  5. Well…now that you mention it, my Glock could actually make other people play music for me on demand, or dance, or pee themselves even!

    But I’m nice so I try not to misuse it like that. 😉

    It’s probably not a safe sex toy though, even with the safety on.

  6. Mark: The buttons should be arranged so that one must hold their hand as such to operate.

    Would make shockerpics.com much more interesting.

    OB: I head gun oil is a great lube.

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