Professor Quippy: Something's up in the shlong sciences

This has been a big week for news about the old “John Thomas”. Not mine, but in general.

First of all, my heart goes out to the nation of India, who have had the proportions of their tallywhackers collectively question by this survey showing that more than half of the men surveyed had equipment that was shorter than international standards for condoms.

Now, perhaps they have too much soya in their diets. According to the august online journal WorldNetDaily, and their columnist, Jim Rutz (who is not a scientist, it should be noted), soy in the diet of male children can lead to shorter thingies, and even cause homosexuality. Lest you think he’s a complete wanker, there is some evidence that too much soy in the diet can lead to male infertility, and even underdeveloped tackle, according to a researcher in Belfast. Dr Lorraine Anderson did not take the same leap vis-à-vis the loafer-lightening effects of soy.

And for those of us who were genitally mutilated early in life, there is a ray of good news concerning our sliced up salamis. As it turns out, male circumcision reduces the risk of contracting HIV by 50 percent. This is the finding of a huge clinical trial in Africa. Do what you will with that innuendo.

And yes, I managed to get through this whole post without using the word penis.

Oh bugger.