Now, I know this new invention was created for a serious problem — autism — but let me tell you, I sincerely hope that a few of my colleagues can get themselves one too. You see, the device warns you if you’re boring or irritating. It especially needs to be standard issue for the following departments: law, business administration, comparative literature and culture. Oh, and computer science — for that group I would just have one surgically grafted to every graduating student.
In a perfect world, this apparatus would also be installed in every bar and cafe in the world. When a boring conversation occurs, it would automatically bleep a warning to the offending party, or parties. The device could be set for a variety of modes, which would turn the boring conversation into something quite entertaining; if the conversation does not become more interesting, then one of several things could happen:
- electrified nipple clamps descend from the ceiling and clamp on the business end of the offender’s mammary glands (vestigial or not) and deliver a shock capable of truncating a discussion of the merits of Star Trek over Star Wars (or vice versa) and instigating an alarming and avant garde tap-dancing routine reminiscent of Joe “Twitchy” Mastication’s final few moments at the Great Vaudville Electric Dance Jamborium (circa 1912).
- a Viking helmet with horns descends from the ceiling, and hovers just above the offender’s cranium, causing the bore-ee to laugh inappropriately at the offender’s brutally dull anecdotes (if this does not work, then the helmet can make contact with the offender’s skull and administer a shock resulting in effects similar to #1.)
- air horn descends from the ceiling and floats next to offender’s ear until a tedious argument or phrase is repeated, at which point, the horn sounds, deafening offender (and possibly the primary inflicted party); this will only occur if the boring conversation is also extremely loud.
- nitrous oxide fills room.
- darts poisoned with curare will strike offender(s) in jugular vein(s). As they hit the floor, aggressive mimes will drop from the ceiling and pretend that they are eating a sandwich. This will be the last thing the offender(s) will see. THEN nitrous oxide fills the room.
God I love science!
More on the real Cliffy Siren here.