VIENNA (The Skwib) — An angry Santa Claus was seen a bit earlier than expected this year, flying above the city hall of the Austrian capital.
Instead of bringing gifts and joy, the less-than-jolly St. Nick launched a Clausian Blitzkrieg on a city that has banned him for being too commercial.
He appeared in the early evening, above the market in front of the city hall, where there are thousands of stalls devoted to selling Christmas-related paraphernalia.
Hans Grubbenstuuppen, a Vienna city hall spokesman told The Skwib: “We enjoy rules. Lots of them. And one of the rules that stallholders must follow is to agree not to use the image of Santa as a condition of being able to trade there.”
“Santa is an English language creation, people who want to see him should go to America where I am sure Coca Cola will be happy to oblige,” Grubbenstuuppen added.
Claus expressed his sentiment at this “Ban Santa” in a concrete way. After stealthily approaching the market from on high, Claus swooped overtop the stalls in his trademark sleigh, pulled by nine reindeer.
“Poop Dancer! Poop Dasher! Poop Prancer, poop Vixen!” he cried. “Crap Comet, crap Cupid! Pee Donner and Blitzen!” the holiday icon could be heard shouting to his freakish reindeer.
In addition to their ability to fly, the reindeer are prolific defecators. Given the high speeds they can achieve, the ensuing barrage of reindeer excrement was nothing short of devastating. The market was a scene of chaos, bathed in the baleful red glow of Rudolph’s radioactive nose.
“Bwa-ha-hah!” Santa could be heard laughing manically as he ended his strafing run. “Now you know what happens when you’re naughty!”
The North Pole was unavailable for official comment, but one senior staffer told The Skwib: “Mr. Claus has been under a lot of stress lately because of the competition from Wal-Mart.”
Ban Santa webpage:
Weihnachtsmannfreie Zone
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[…] How sensible the Viennese are! They, too, are sick of the whole Santa thing that pervades Northern Europe with special thanks to America. Great, there is another American contribution to Europe, bringing the list to a divine three: slam-dunk marketing, Pentecostalism, and Santa. How lovely! You can read more about the casting out of Santa from Vienna here, or the official website, the weihnachtsmannfreie-zone, but allow me to summarize. […]
[…] And, finally, Mark over at The Skwib gives us the real scoop on what happens when you wind up on Santa’s naughty list in Santa Strafes Shoppers in Vienna. (While you’re there, make sure you check out Mark’s Carnival of Satire. Good stuff.) […]
[…] And, finally, Mark over at The Skwib gives us the real scoop on what happens when you wind up on Santa’s naughty list in Santa Strafes Shoppers in Vienna. […]