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The Big Guy Checks the Numbers

The big guy checks the numbers“Okay chief, I got some bad news. Your numbers are down again.”

“You’re shittin’ me.”

“I’m afraid not, Your Mightiness,” the PR flack looked at his shimmering clipboard and said, “according to this, you’re down to less than one percent.”

“What?” Thunder shook the hallway, and a few of the other people in the communications office looked down at their desks.

“I have some good news. If you look at the segmented audiences, you are way up in the head-banging heavy metal market. Fully six percent of them believe you exist.”

“Six percent?”

“I don’t know what to tell you Thor, they just aren’t going for the Nordic gods anymore. In some ways, you’re lucky to still be with us. I heard that Baldur just disappeared last week.”

“What do you mean disappeared? He’s the God of Peace, fer Christ’s sake.”

“Once you drop below a critical level, well …” The PR flack blew on his fingers, and spread them apart. “Poof, you cease to exist. I mean, Baldur was hardly known by anyone except a few scholars and D&D freaks, let alone worshipped.”

“How am I doing with the D&D crowd?” Thor asked. Not that long ago, he was embarrassed to be prayed to in game situations, but now it seemed like the only thing standing between him and non-existence.

“Hmm. Oh, look, up there too. An increase of 15 percent in prayer — not fervent, and not real, but at least prayer, and that counts for something.”

“Isn’t there anything I can do?” Thor asked. He cringed when he heard how whiny that sounded. If only he could just go back to Midgaard and bust some heads! Then people would believe.

“Sorry, not until someone breaks the stranglehold of … well, you know.”

“That shit Jaweh.”

“Yep. Hey, he’s Allah too, remember. And just “God” to the Christians. He’s pretty much got a monopoly.”

“Yeah,” Thor brooded. Thunder rumbled in the Valhalla communications office.

“He’s got problems too, though. I mean a significant number of his followers are willing to kill themselves and innocent people, just because they’ve been promised virgins.”

“Virgins?”

“Yeah, in the afterlife.”

“Now why didn’t WE think of that?”

5 Comments

  1. PR flack…do god’s have agents and personal trainers too?

  2. Oh yeah, and shoppers, dressers, make-up artists, the whole thing. 🙂 m.

  3. The problem with minor deities is that there’s too many of them. There needs to be some sort of weeding out process. A reality show would be good.

  4. wow, next it will be the saints. i can hear it now, ” sorry saint christopher…, dashboard sales are down. so we need you to clear your office out. oh don’t forget all of these rodents, they’ve been mooching off gandhi’s rice.”

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