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The Canadian Mint: Plans for World Domination

Poppy QuarterLondon, Ontario (The Skwib) — They already have Canada in its shiny, Beaver-clad grip, but according to information obtained by The Skwib, the Canadian Mint is planning to take over the world.

“Yes, they plan to take over by 2010,” a source within the mint’s cabal said. “Don’t be fooled by the beautifully designed coins with pretty pictures of elk and polar bears. They are bent on world domination.”

Earlier this year, it seemed as though the US Department of Defence had cracked the mint’s code, when the sounded the alarm about the poppy-centered Canadian quarter. After a contractor found one of the suspicious coins in the cup holder of his rental car, and another found two coins in his pocket — the red poppy was clearly some kind of tracking nano-technology — an espionage alert was sounded. A careful examination of the coin did not reveal any nefarious design.

But sources within the Mint have told The Skwib that the coins were planted, just to divert attention from the lynch-pin of the mint’s takeover plans — the gigantic $1-million (CAN) coin.

“Yes, it weighs 100 kg and is the world’s largest-denomination coin,” our source said. “But that is not all. When enough collectors have purchased these coins, a signal will be sent from the mint’s underground bunker, and the coins will emit a massive EMP, destroying electronics worldwide.”

Why the EMP? To destroy the world’s reliance on credit and debit cards, and any form of electronic transfer of funds.

“Oh, and those poppy-quarters? By 2010 the polymer coating will have come off them and released the neuro-transmitters into the air,” the source said.

“It’s a mind-control drug, forcing you to buy coin sets for birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, and … oh, I can’t go on, it’s just too horrible.”