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The Frozen Soylent Green Soft Serve Processor

from the 2037 Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven catalog

The Frozen Soylent Green Soft Serve ProcessorThis is the device that instantly turns Soylent Green and other flavorings into a soft-serve treat. The unit combines frozen Soylent Green and any additional Soylent products you can scavenge and instantly churns the ingredients to produce a treat with the texture of frozen yogurt or soft-serve ice cream, but without the crushing existential angst of eating people.

The chute easily accepts fruit when you can find it, but even the most affluent HSG customer is unlikely to have fruit, so it also works with Soylent Green, Soylent Red, Soylent Orange, and a wide variety of decomposing garbage; the integrated conical, spinning blade mashes and incorporates the nutrients into a silky-smooth confection. The chute, plunger, and blade are dishwasher safe. Includes a dessert storage container, four popsicle molds, recipe booklet, and the number to the Soylent Suicide Promotion hotline. Plugs into AC. (14″ H x 7 1/2″ W x 6″ D.)

Alltop prefers people. This story appears in Pirate Therapy and Other Cures.