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The Lost PowerPoint Slides (The Battle of Salamis Edition)

Themistocles, dude of SalamisXerxes I presents “Punish that body of water!” –> slide 2 (circa 483 BC)

  • building paper bridge over Hellespont
  • storm destroyed it
  • 300 lashes for the water
  • and throw in some shackles
  • that will sort it out!

Xerxes I presents “No Democracy on My Watch” –> slide 7 (circa 480 BC)

  • Greeks supported revolt of other Greek cities in Ionia
  • they want … shudder … “democracy”
  • 2-million man army will sort it out!

Themistocles presents “Wall of Wood” –> slide 3 (circa 480 BC)

  • seriously, we can’t retreat behind isthmus of Corinth
  • the Oracle says Greece will be saved by wall of wood
  • ships, not an actual wall
  • nothing to do with superior Greek phalli, either, pervs!

A Greek a slave named Sicinnus presents “Greeks are retreating” –> slide 2 (circa 480 BC)

  • mighty Xerxes, the Greek navy is retreating
  • you could catch them from behind in the night
  • you would like that, wouldn’t you, you naughty potentate?

Xerxes I presents “Catch them in the night” –> only slide (circa 480 BC)

  • I believe this Greek slave!
  • Egyptian squadron will cut off their escape
  • the rest of us will follow their fleet
  • all night, exhausting the men if we have to
  • perhaps we can torture the water while we go!

Xerxes I presents “Bugger” –> only slide (circa 480 BC)

  • my fleet unable to use its superior numbers
  • Greeks tricked us into fighting in narrow straight
  • damn you my old nemesis, water!

Aeschylus presents “Now, we start Western Civilization” –> slide 3 (circa 480 BC)

  • Persians will retreat
  • experiment in democracy, individualistic society will continue
  • now I can follow my dream of writing great plays
  • yes, they will be dark and moody
  • chicks dig that
  • seriously, I like chicks.

Note: The Battle of Salamis was fought sometime in late September, 480 BC, and many historians consider it the most important battle in human history. If the Persians had won, which they should have, given their vastly superior numbers, Western history would have looked very different indeed. There is no word on if Aeschylus scored as many chicks as he hoped, though no doubt Agamemnon made him popular with a certain kind of (scary) Athenian matron.