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The Thomas Kincaid Pop-Up Christmas Tree and Consumer Happiness Dispenser

(from the 2037 Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven catalog)

The Thomas Kincaid Pop-Up Christmas Tree and Consumer Happiness DispenserThis is a six-foot Christmas tree that pops up instantly and is pre-decorated with original artwork by renowned holiday artist Thomas Kinkaid, all of which can dispense Viritron’s patented Santa Virus.

The tree rises from a flat position in concentric circles to its full thirty-inch width and seventy-six-inch height, and simply hangs on the included stand, in which is embedded a Viritron Aerosol Dispensing Unit, capable of infecting anyone within a two-hundred foot radius of the tree with a virus that will guarantee you have a good Christmas.

Three hundred glistening clear lights are nestled among the branches and cast a warm glow on the seventy richly-painted globe ornaments, that will be sure to distract your customers from the brief intense psychic pain they will feel upon contact with the Santa Virus, as it coerces them to buy more gifts than they can afford. The tree has two additional gold and burgundy ribbons, 15 velvet-like poinsettias, and a golden bow, which has a rebreather and a two-minute oxygen supply embedded in it, if you are inadvertently caught in your store while the tree is circulating the Santa Virus. The tree collapses for easy storage for the off-season. (15lbs. Santa Virus sold separately.)

Make the season more merry with some satirical fiction …

 

Alltop is always a happy consumer. This story appears in my collection, Pirate Therapy and Other Cures.