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Winter Olympics: Ultimate Couples Ice Dance

Ultimate couples ice danceIn our continuing efforts to suggest more exciting and exploitative Winter Olympic Sports, we want to tackle ice dance next.

Sure, there can be moments of pure artistic bliss in the current Ice Dance competition, but it has been marred with controversy in the past. At the Salt Lake games, the French judge was bribed (either with sex, or money, or both, we don’t remember), and what is that Russian judge up to? No good, that’s for sure.

Besides the method of judging (it is one of the few sports that has an artistic component), Ice Dance doesn’t really meet the requirements of higher, or faster, of our new motto, and it definitely isn’t bloodier. So how could we spice up this choreographed ice-skating ballet of duos?

Let’s change the format to elimination, and have the couples face off in the rink. Two couples enter, one couple leaves! Two couples enter, one couple leaves! It’s the sub-zero Thunderdome!

Now, we know that some of you would like to see this played out with weapons, but we’re purists, and believe the only weapons allowed should be their hands, elbows, heads, knees and feet. And of course the feet are attached to razor-sharp ice-skates, so we will definitely be able to fulfill the sanguius component of our new motto.

The only problem is getting a zamboni powerful enough to clean up the ice between bouts.

Next: Polar Bear Biathlon
Previous: Short-Track Chainsaw Speed Skating, Four-man Bobsled Jumping, Ultra-G

Alltop would only give this a 5.9. Original photo by Hanna. Originally published February, 2010.

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