From the Book of Ruth

In the far-off heathen in the Land of Sinim, there shall be a Great Rumour. And it shall cause a Perturbation and Excitement amongst the man-children of Sinim.

Lo! They shall have a perverse desire to beget only the Male Child, and the girl children shall be scorned, and unwanted. And they shall bind the feet of those who are born. Truly, the male children will grow and become men, and they shall be desirous of the females. And they shall cast about and say, “where are all the babes?”

Yeah, the Great Rumour will begin. There will be news from afar, from the Icy Lands, that a mythical city built in the Deep Forest is filled with 25,000 lonely women. And the Great Rumour will tell the men of Sinim that the women have taken one another as was done on the Isle of Lesbos.

And the Great Rumour shall cause an Excitement in the Lands of Sinim; and many shall purchase of the Travel Agent, and learn Swedish, but they shall be disappointed and there will be a Massive Disappointment and a rhythmical fapping sound, and the echoes of many clicks shall Scour the Land of Sinim.

Proof at the Daily Telegraph: Women-only town of Swedish lesbians does not exist, at CNET: Chinese Web choked by men searching for ‘Lesbian city’, and, The Australian: Sex-mad men search for ‘lesbian’ Chako Paul City. Alltop and humor-blogs.com don’t believe everything they read. Photo by Garry Knight.

From the Book of iChronicles

And in this time the People shall become like unto the creatures that live in the Earth. The people shall share Tubes and they shall be intertwined, and lo, many will call them the Inter-Tubes and it shall please the people, though they are caught in a Web.

They will forget the Lord and instead, worship the Screen, and the Digit, and they shall share their wantonness thusly.

It shall pass that many of the People shall worship a False Prophet called Blue Bird. And they will be pleased by this Blue Bird, and they shall have the attention span of the newt, and share their brief and simple thoughts in characters of a gross less four. And some will say, lo! here is the Prophet of Blue Bird and its value is a thousand times a million talents!

And the Whale shall visit these Worshippers of the False Prophet, and there will be lamentation, and anxiety, and a great clicking.

The newsy proof is at the Wall Street Journal. Alltop and humor-blogs.com are also worried about Satanic valuations.

From the Book of Libations

Lo! The time shall come and the people shall not concern themselves with the Law. And in this dark time, the people shall crave the flesh of the pig, and many will not care that it is Forbidden.

Verily, many shall be law abiding, but still ingest the unclean creature in a form most alluring. And this Savory Succubus shall take hold of the people, and there will be frying, and the power of the sky will be applied to these strips of meat, and the people will rejoice in the salty evil.

And they shall be called the Days of Bacon.

The Rashers of Lucifer will garnish all kinds of wholesome foods, and make them unclean with their cholesterol and deliciousness.

Hark! The people shall revel in their porcine pleasures, and they shall not be sated by the strips themselves, and they shall Cry for More Bacon. And they shall crave bacon with all. And the Anti-Christ will grin, and say unto the people, “I shall give you bacon in your hooch.”

And there shall be great rejoicing as the people debase themselves with Chocolate Bacon Martinis, and Bacon Rosemary Martinis, and something called an Irish Boar. And they shall wail with pleasure, especially when they taste the Bacon Bloody Mary, as the next seal is broken and the sky turns all stripy and sizzly, and let’s face it, mouth-watering.

The awesome web-based proof. The always-debauched Alltop and humor-blogs.com are waiting for veal-flavoured gin.

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From the Book of Libations

And in this time, there shall be a service created by the forces of darkness and it shall be unearthly and virtual, and the Unbelievers will call it Ebay. And unto the Heathen in the Land of Sinim, there shall be knock-off services, the shadow of a shadow.

Lo! The Sinim will be plagued with False Prophets, and the worst of these shall be Zhou. And he shall harvest the Saliva of the Virgins of Sinim. Abomination will be compounded by the Evils of Commerce. And Zhou will be forced to take the Spit of the Hotties off the market.

And he shall then gather the drool of the Virgins as they sleep. And sell that.

And there will be wailing. The sound of retching. And a great confusion.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are also collectors of the odd human expectoration.

Newsy proof: For Sale – Pretty Girls’ Saliva

From the Book of Jerry

And on this day, The Blessed Sisters of Righteousness will curse the local constabulary, and upon them they shall heap scorn. They shall beshrew them with language most colorful, saying they are “spawn of cross-eyed turd farmers” and “tedious conversationalists with halitosis and feet that smell of onion.” Truly, they shall cackle.

And their Most Reverent Mother shall expectorate. Ye, verily, She will Hock a Loogie of the Lord.

So it will be, and on this day, the constabulary shall issue a Written Warning, and they shall be Unrepentant and the Day of Judgment shall be soon after.

Signs confirmed by evidence of 17 Noisy Orthodox Nuns. Humor-blogs.com and Alltop are also Unrepentant. Thanks to Kevindooley for the Nuns

From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations

And truly, there will come a time when the faithful women-folk of a distant land will no longer run through the Forests of the City without protection, for the men-folk will not Exercise with them and protect them with their bulk.

And lo! A Prophet shall say, “I shall protect you, though your men-folk do not!”

And the Prophet will construct devices of cunning, colored “fashion” pink, and “red-hot” red. And some devices will be covered with the Skin of a Leopard. Others will be “matte” black, and hidden in holsters of cow skin.

The Prophet shall sell these devices for a reasonable price, and they will be Weapons that Harness the Lightning. And when their Lightning is released upon the Unbelievers, the Rapists, and other Beasts of the Forest of the City, they shall say, “ung-ung-ung!” and fall twitching to the ground.

And all the while, the faithful women-folk of this distant land shall listen to the Music of the Heavens. And they shall glory in the Songs of Prince, and the Madonna, and other Holy Crooners that are good to hear when running, for the device can hold many songs.

Read the signs yourself | The Prophets of Humor.

From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations

And lo, there will be a place in the world where the mothers and daughters of Men Wearing Orange shall be tempted by Weapons.

And a time will come that they shall no longer resist the Call of the Weapons, for they shall be Pink. And Adorable. And Too Cute To Be Believed.

And the daughters and mothers of the Men Wearing Orange shall purchase of the weapons and they shall Revel in the Bolt-Action Fury and they shall go unto the forest and hunt of the deer and the bear and the occasional Husband.

Newsy Proof: Pretty powerful in pink

From the Book of Libations

And so it will be that in the Land of Nippon, where everything is tiny and strange, a Generation of Great Wickedness will come of age. The malefic children will have purchasing power, tablets of credit and sheaves of gold that they wave in the air and so, control the actions of others through the Harlot Commerce.

Verily, these Foul Progeny of the People of Nippon will have Strange Ideas. They shall worship the False God Mayo Knais; raw fish will become unclean with the droppings of the False God’s Overflowing Jar of Evil. And it will be unnatural.

They will use the Condiment of Mayo Knaise with alcohol, and dance, naked except for Deliciously Evil mixture of egg and vinegar, which they have rubbed on themselves with great Wooden Spoons of Sin.

Newsy proof: Mayo margarita anyone?

From the Book of Mustelids

And before the World is scourged by the Mother of Harlots, there will be a time when a swampy town south of Babylon will be ravaged by giant, man-eating weasels.

These Honeyed Badgers of Great Size and Swiftness shall have the strength of the bear, the nose of a monkey and the cunning of a politician. They shall be fearless, and they shall be released upon the people of Swampy Town by invaders from a tiny island populated by savages with bad teeth.

And lo! Many of these savages will hail from upland regions of their foggy island — a place where they distill the Water of Life, and torture their enemies with bags of air and pipes, and wear skirts even though they be men — and it is these Mustelid Scotti that shall hide the Ginormous Badgers of Armageddon in their furry man-pouches and set them against the people of Swampy Town.

The Great Badgers will be fearless, and rend cow, and sheep, and they will gnaw on the leg bones of the people Swampy Town. Or bite their bums.

Newsy proof: Giant Badgers Terrorize Basra

From the Book of Libations

And in this time, there will be a shadowy group who terrorize a distant land filled with fragrant cheeses and even more fragrant people. And they shall be Craven, these men of evil intent, and they shall wear masks made of sheep’s cloth, though they own no ungulates.

Verily, they will be misguided followers of the Prophet Noah, and will grow grapes, and turn their juice into wine, and bottle it, and then market it at modest profit. And when middle men and usurious shopkeepers import inferior vintages from the remote sandy lands of Kalif and Far Australis prices will drop, and the Craven shall be wroth.

And they shall don their heads with the hair of sheep, and they shall threaten the Holy with Violence, and the distant land of fragrant cheeses and even more fragrant people will live in dread.

Yea, they shall have inexpensive wine, but there will be fear.

From the BBC: Wine Terrorism| Photo by dailydog