The Unified Theory

...About the Emily Chesley Reading Circle
... News | Whaaa? | Letters of Annoyance

The Unification of the Theories of Drinking and the Lizard
(mathematical proof and FAQ follow)

Principal Researchers: The Squires Rayner
(with the assistance of Dr. Maximilian Tundra, The Dude, Dr. Paul Suttie, and the other members of the Emily Chesley Reading Circle)

Study completed: May, 1999

Standardized Drinking Scale*	*Nomenclature*	*Log Scale Results*
pint #1	The Primer	no discernable effects
pint #2	The "Hankering"	you want to drink more
drinks #3-5	The Hammer	you are now drunk you should not drive you will have trouble ceasing the "Inebriation"
drinks #6-7	The Inebriation	monkey is peeping under the corners of your superego
drinks #8-12	The Wedge	you have now separated the ego from the super ego monkey is free!
drinks #13-23	The Sledge	monkey is now MIA the Lizard is in the driver's seat
drink #24	The Icthyolization	you have now incapacitated the Lizard. Luckily, you still have the Fish to keep you alive. Hopefully someone will turn you onto your stomach
drink #25+	The Mourning	your friends and relations mourn your passing and say in their best Irish accents: "It was a terrible thing."
		Click here to see the mathematical proof.

*Beaufort-style scale on boozologist's equations of body weight, liver size and endurance, plus time scale. (Not to exceed ten hours in this case.) A mixologist was consulted in the weighing of this scale.

What "they" are saying about the Unification Theory:

"A truly worthy contribution to the field; dare I venture to say, a landmark? (Obviously the full establishment of this latter status will depend on years of verification work at major research gatherings around the world; but whatever the final details there is a set of concepts here -- the wedge-sledge sequence struck me as a particularly important and indeed inspired addition -- whose utility one can scarcely doubt: surely these terms will be appealed to with some regularity by practitioners exploring the complex and fraught territory at the middle to upper end of the scale, where [as in quantum limit experiments, though for different reasons] the very concept of a controlled experiment tends to break down)."
Dr. Paul Suttie, certified boozologist

Unification FAQ

Why was there no Unification Theory until now? Why didn't Michael Flannigan invent it?

-You tool. Everyone knows that Michael Flannigan died before Freud came up with his wacky theories.

Then why didn't Einstein come up with this?

-Cretin. Einstein was too busy teasing his hair. Besides, he didn't have the math. [paraphrasing Sir Johann Eisenbach – says Mike Rayner: "yeah, people forget about Einstein. He sucked in math . . . relatively speaking."]

Then why not Freud?

-Imbecile. Because he was too busy saying clever things such as: "sometimes a cigar is only a cigar."

How does this affect me?

-Only an idiot would ask a question like that. Now you know where you are in your evening, both on an alcoholic level and on the scale of Lizard.

But doesn't it really depend on how the "Beaufort-style scale works"?

-Fuck off.

--"Scholarship" by the Squire

...About the Emily Chesley Reading Circle
News & Announcements

Whaaa?
The Covenant | The Codex
Dr. Tundra Memorial
Member Biographies
Links | FAQ | Contact Us

Public Services
Letters of Annoyance
The Tundra Prize
The Beard Forecast

Join our mailing list or send us email.

Web Monkey : Mark A. Rayner