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Ask General Kang: As a world-conquering potentate, what is your policy regarding instant gratification?

Ask General KangWell, I’m totally against it.

From what I can see there is too much instant gratification happening here on Terra; and this is at least some part of the reason why I am conquering this world soon.

I’m a fan of a system of gratification we call The Rectitude on my home world.

The Rectitude started out as philosophical movement of neo-utopian bonobos, but it eventually caught on within the simian population at large, and I hope that someday it will catch on amongst the primates of this world too.

What is The Rectitude?
It sounds kind of proctologist-y, but essentially, to have some kind of physical gratification, the idea is that first you have to earn it. (Yes, just go ahead, say it just like John Houseman.)

The best kind of Rectitude to earn is through intense physical effort. For example, if you climb a mountain, that earns you lots of Rectitude — at least a week of all kinds of debauchery. Walk to the store instead of driving, and that probably earns you enough Rectitude to eat the Cheese Doodles you were going to get in the first place.

Once Earth is fully under my control, every sentient being on the planet can look forward to a lifetime of earning and expending Rectitude.

Stop groaning! It will be good for you humans to learn a little self-discipline!

Next time: How do you handle unwanted sexual advances, particularly from another species?

You know who has rectitude? Hard working humor writers. From my collection, Pirate Therapy and Other Cures.


  1. #103 Best of Me Symphony

    Idler-Yet has a guy who gets it right and one who doesn’t even come close in Stupid Non-victim story. God has no gender. If that’s the case, then everything needs to be rewritten now, right now. Screwtape #20: Understanding

  2. Meg Meg

    I’m confused. Does that earn me a small bag of Cheese Doodles or a large one? And if I get the baked low-fat kind, can I add on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s?

  3. Sounds exactly the opposite to my political movement of passivism. Where the whole idea is to not care, no matter what. Recitude sounds like a lot of effort, but I guess when Kang does take over, it wont really matter for us passivists.

  4. Meg — if you get the baked low-fat kind, they will taste terrible, so yes, you can have the Ben & Jerrys, but only two spoons!

    Alex — yes, Kang is counting on your lack of resistance.

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