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Ask General Kang: How do you celebrate Halloween on your home planet?

Ask General KangWhy would you think that we even have the same ridiculous pagan rituals on the great and glorious planet of Neecknaw?

I mean, it’s insulting! We’re not some backwards little planet, sitting safely away from the hustle and bustle of intergalactic civilization, because we’re stuck out in the radial arm of some pathetic excuse for a galaxy. Not that you can help it, but let’s face it, the Milky Way is just so jejune, and this “solar system” of yours is just pedestrian. Earth has some nice features, I’ll admit.

But Halloween is NOT one of them.

What a bizarre event! Your larval humans are encouraged to go door-to-door dressed as mythical creatures, hobos and princesses, and BEG for food. I’ve noticed that once out of the larval stage this behaviour is frowned upon. However, as your species “matures”, the costumes become skimpier, and, let’s face it, more slutty, and the goal does not seem to be glucose-rich material for stuffing into faces, but the stuffing of other … things … into other holes.

So you don’t like to dress up?

No. On Neecknaw, we like our orgies straight up. No preamble, and certainly no zombie outfits. I might institute the naughty nurse costume for our Medical Corps, however. That look is good for the circulation.

Next time: Help! My sonic spanner is falling in love with my sonic toothbrush!

Alltop dresses up everyday. For funny! Originally published October 2012.