Ask General Kang: How do you deal with procrastination?

Severely.

On Planet Neecknaw, the original lifespan of the average Neecknabian was similar to the average for your chimpanzees, 40-45 years or so.

Is that on a diet of bananas or not?

You make any more banana jokes and you’ll discover why Genteelia VI calls me The Merciless Kang, Pain-of-Ingrown-Toenail Giver.

Now, when you know that you’ve only got 40 years to get something accomplished, you tend to get on it. So, on all of the planets I’ve conquered — which is legion — I install a strict no-procrastination policy, enforced appropriately.

Appropriately?

You should sound worried. On Marceauvia XII, which is inhabited by a race multi-brachial mime people, we discovered that they were particularly fearful of tickling. So if a mime was found pretending to be in a box, or walking against a strong wind, I had one of my uber-chimps tickle them until they got back on task. (Usually building monuments to my greatness.)

So what should I do?

All you need to do is tell me what you fear most, and I will put an anti-procrastination regimen together for you.

No, that’s okay. I’m motivated now.

Works every time.

Next time: What is the best approach of making first contact with a race that thinks of your species as food?

Alltop thinks of The Skwib as a light snack. Originally published June 2008, when the world was young.