I hate to carp on this point, but was he turned into a monkey or was he turned into an ape of some kind? I seriously doubt it’s possible to turn a man into a monkey, unless you’re talking about what happens every time you invest in unsecured debt, extended warranties or Mama Tjumi’s hair tonic.
But if your hypothetical guy was turned into some kind of ape, he should consider himself very lucky.
When I was Supreme Ruler of the planet Neeknaw, I asked some of our best scientists to invent The Ape Booth. (And lest you believe that twisted human propaganda movie, Planet of the Apes, you should know that our best scientists are all uber-chimps. Orangutangs are lovely people, but ”¦ lazy. And don’t even get me started on those sex-crazed Bonobos. Those guys can’t even wear pants.)
In the fifth year of my Reign, my crack Gorilloids-in-Fezzes brigade captured the capital planet of the Douche-bag Ascendency, and we “converted” the population from a species of hominid similar to yours into decent, knuckle-dragging uber-chimps.
It was surprisingly successful. The hominids all grew more hair, muscle mass and they even stopped walking around on two legs. Unfortunately we couldn’t get them to stop turning up their collars, so we had to glass the planet.
So, yes. I’d say you can look forward to life as a chimp! Not monkey. Never monkey.
So the process won’t be called “monkification”?
You are so lucky I’m out of thermonuclear weapons.
In answer to your last question, mustard. Mustard for ham. Mayo for turkey. That’s the rule in our house.
Ah, the mystery of the universe unfolds!