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Ask General Kang: Last time I looked, you were just a stupid monkey. Why should we listen to anything you have to say?

Ask General KangOkay, I knew this question was going to come up eventually, but I wasn’t quite prepared for how rudely it would be asked.

Essentially, I am way smarter than you. Sure, I LOOK like a chimpanzee, but on our planet, humans never appeared. Chimps are IT, you puny human, they are the apex. And we’ve done some things you less hairy hominids can barely understand. (Interstellar space flight among them.)

So, yes, I may not know all of your “human” customs and rules, and so forth, but I’d be willing to bet the banana farm on my having a better read on the various customs, your idiotic systems, and so on, that most merely homo sapiens columnists. (For example, I’m baffled that you are surprised your economic system is collapsing.)

If nothing else, my advice will serve you well when my armies eventually arrive to dominate your planet, you pathetic, rude, hairless ape.

(That was an insult, in case you’re tiny brain can’t figure it out.)

All that said, there is hope you will get smarter. If something BAD happens to my first invasion fleet, you still may have some time to evolve into a formidable enemy.

That would be better. I like a challenge, and let’s be honest, right now, you’re too easy. You can’t even handle your own environment. (Though I’m somewhat afraid the place will be wrecked by the time my fleet gets here.)

Next time: When I stick my finger in my ear, sometimes it feels like I’m touching my brain. Is that a good thing?

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  1. Does someone need a banana to cheer up?

  2. Quizzling Quizzling

    Boy will the Kang hordes be mad when we thwart their invasion plans by simply transplanting our entire civilization onto a high shelf.

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