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Ask General Kang: My tinfoil hat isn’t keeping out the voices — what do I do?

Ask General KangThe first thing to remember, in the immortal words of Douglas Adams, is: “Don’t Panic!”

Hearing voices is a common occurrence for über-chimps who are just starting to come out of the psionic latency period. What is happening is you are hearing the thoughts of other apes around you, but your mind is not capable of filtering or registering them as other sentient beings. So, it feels like you’re hearing voices. It’s nothing to worry about.

But I’m not an über-chimp. Do humans develop thought powers?

OMG, I sure hope not, that would mean you’re WAY more evolved than I thought you were!

Hmm, so what are the voices telling you?

That I should take over the galaxy.

Yeah, that’s not a mental power, that’s just delusional. I think you have two options: the first is you could speak to one of the shamans you call “psychiatrists.” Their science is quite nascent — and to an evolved über-chimp like myself, quite barbaric — but they may be able to help.

Or, you could just send me $100 and I’ll mail you one of my General Kang’s Home Lobotomy For Lesser Species kits. As an added bonus I’ll throw in a selfie stick, if you promise to send me a before and after shot for my website!

Next time: Would it be possible to develop some kind of bedazzled plug for a black hole?

Alltop loves a good singularity joke.