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Ask General Kang: Should I be worried about what the swine flu may do to the economy?

Ask General KangAbsolutely. You should spend a lot of time worrying about it.

You should probably go on some kind of epic alcoholic bender to help you forget about it, but then discover that it’s not really making you forget, so then take a lot of drugs. (Start with anything that is best injected. Note: you can save money by sharing needles.) Don’t get any rest. Replace food with coffee. Stop washing your hands.

Really let it get to you. I’d like to see you on a regime of sleepless nights, and bone-crushingly torpid days, when all you can do is think, “what is the swine flu doing to my savings? What if the Nikkei average loses another .02 percent of value?”

So, when you’re really exhausted, and when your immune system is as depressed as you are, then I want you to go to Mexico.

Next time: I believe my accountant may have lupus. Will this affect my EBITDA?

Alltop and humor-blogs are both trading derivatives. Asinine G&M article that “inspired” this: Swine flu outbreak dampens recover hopes. A few cogent questions and answers from the New Scientist: what you need to know about swine flu.