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Ask General Kang: The Home Edition

Ask General Kang (home edition)The walls of my house are bleeding, and I keep finding an ax next to my bed when I wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of bells. Do you have any idea what color I should paint my kitchen?

I guess that all depends on if the walls there are bleeding. If so, I’d go with a nice arterial red. Otherwise, I really like . . . wait a minute, do you live in a firehall? Because, if you do, then you’ll have to check with the regulations to see what colors you can use.

Otherwise, yellow.

I’m not happy with the way poltergeists are rearranging the furniture.

You need to find a way to fire them. When I was Overlord of Beltron IX (the all-gorilloid planet) I had a Major Domo who was a royal pain the nether-regions, if you get my drift. Now, like your poltergeists, he came with the house, so I couldn’t just ask him to leave. I checked out the paperwork in the offer, and there was no disclosure about his position, so I sued the agent, the previous owners and the city (just to be thorough). When that didn’t work I sent them all work in Beltron IX’s infamous bulemium mines. I hired a nice bonobo to do all the housework, and the place was great after that.

(Except for the 6 o’clock poo-flinging.)

Um, I think I may have a cockroach problem. Either that or there’s a decomposing body in my basement. What should I do?

I sincerely hope it’s the previous owner, moldering in your crawlspace. If it is cockroaches, you have two possible solutions — sell the house (just make sure you don’t sell it to me) or have an exterminator try to get rid of them. I had a similar problem on Numneuts XII, and we ended up having to glass the planet. I have some spare nukes lying around if you have to go that route.

Don’t believe the myth — fission will kill a cockroach.

Next time: All your base are belong to us.

Alltop is also under construction. Originally published in August, 2008.


  1. LOL!

    (*ahem*) Spare nukes you say?

  2. You’d also have to take into consideration, any extra ‘decoration’ thats going to be on the walls before you paint though.

    Numneuts XII… so shiny now.

  3. This is some of the most useful home advice I’ve read in a long time. Though I’m not sure how to go about finding a bonobo for hire.

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