Ask General Kang: What do you think of Margaret Atwood's Long Pen invention?

It’s freakin’ brilliant!

I mean, now when I write my best-selling autobiography (I haven’t decided whether to call it I AM KANG, or APOLOGIA OF A SPACE CHIMP) I won’t have to rub shoulders with the great unwashed masses on my book tour. Of course, at the same time, they won’t be able to partake of my own pleasant and musky personal odor, but this way I’ll be able to scrawl my illegible Kang Hancock on a lot more copies.

Everybody wins! (Well, except for the fans who actually want to meet me.)

The only problem that I can foresee is if the Long Pens become self-aware, and stage a some kind of global insurrection. Atwood should probably install some kind of failsafe device so that the pens can’t start talking with nuclear weapons, convincing the nukes to infringe on our liberties. (300,000 degrees Celsius will certain prevent us from watching Desperate Housewives or Zoroastrian worship.)

If we can prevent that, then probably the worst the self-aware Long Pen will do is try to embarrass the author on the other end by writing things like: “I’m a dreary hack” and “I couldn’t find a plot if it bit me in the ass.”

Next time: I like to use the word “sartorial”, does this make me a pretentious wanker?