China opens new smoking cessation clinic for humans

XI’AN (The Skwib) — Party officials in China have opened a new anti-smoking clinic in northwest China.

Earlier this week, officials at the Qinling Safari Park in Shaanxi Province announced that after 16 years of chain smoking, the chimp Ai Ai has successfully quit the health-threatening habit.

The 27-year-old chimp was given special foods, and she was distracted from her cravings for cigarettes with walks, gymnastics and stirring readings from the Little Red Book.

But party officials quickly realized the core of Ai Ai’s success — she was in a cage, and the zoo keepers stopped giving her cigarettes.

“When put this together, knew we on something” said Wen Jingtao, the Director of the Running Dog Smoking Cessation Clinic.

“We have lots empty cages here, so why not put to use?”

The Running Dog Smoking Cessation Clinic was born, and the first “clients” are due to arrive for their intensive 16-week course next Tuesday.

“We excited to see Western customers coming for stop smoking,” Jingtao told The Skwib as he puffed on his feculent unfiltered cigarette. “All guards . . . uh . . . not guards, uh . . . caregivers, are smokers, so the prison– I mean, the patients will be no longer tempted after they leave.”

The clinic is charging $2,500 US per stay. $500 extra for the non-torture package.

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Chimp gets monkey off its back | China | original photo by daniel duende