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Europe fears a furry blitzkrieg

Photo of raccoon wearing swastikaKASSEL, Germany (The Skwib) — Nazi raccoons have swept through the German woodlands like so many divisions of panzers, and now, they have started taking over the cities.

“Yes, they were introduced by Hermann Göring in the 30s, and have laid low until now,” Burkhard Kuester, Deputy Minister of Natural Resources and Tourism (MNRT) told The Skwib. “But they have started to take over our cities. Kassel is theirs, and Frankfurt will be next.”

Despite efforts to control the jackbooted pests, their numbers have grown, possibly because of support from many Germans.

“We think the raccoons are just great. I mean, they’re cute, and I like their moxy,” Heinrich Fuchs said, visiting Kassel for the first Raccoon Rally planned by the National Raccoon party. “I hope they do take over Frankfurt next. They have promised to sort out our problem with other pests, and I for one welcome it.”

Other residents of Frankfurt are not as sanguine about the possibility of swarms of swastika-bedecked Procyon lotor eating their garbage and ruling all of Europe.

“I remember the 30s,” pensioner Ingeborg Baader and longtime resident of Kassel said. “We missed our chance in Kassel, but the rest of the country should fight them while they can.”

It may already be too late. Hundreds of thousands of the bandit-faced carnivores have been spotted in Luxembourg, Belgium, France and the Czech Republic.

Inspired by:
Nazi Raccoons on the March in Europe

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