How do you keep your New Year’s Resolutions?

That question assumes that I would ever adopt such a foolish notion as a New Year’s resolution.

As you are well aware, to be an intergalactic overlord requires a certain self-discipline. Overlordship needs the ability to focus the mind and cleave to the task(s) at hand. It demands a certain ruthless approach to interspecies relations and personal hygiene. So, it is entirely within my capabilities to keep to New Year’s resolutions, if I deigned to make them.

However, I am an enlightened, higher being, so I have not saddled myself with some lower being’s agenda. (Such as conforming to some kind of ideal body weight, forcing myself into behaving in a socially acceptable way, reducing my intake of rum-laced banana splits, and so on.)

Also, I don’t want to change. Look at me – I’m gorgeous!

For these New Year’s resolutions to be successful, you really have to need them and want them.

The solution?

If you’re afraid you don’t have the mental discipline to stick to your resolutions – which I note that most humans don’t – the solution is obvious. You just need someone with a firm hand to keep you on track. A kind of resolutions “coach”.

Who better than an intergalactic warlord?

Yes, I’m talking about me! I’ve got the proven toughness. You should have seen how I whipped the über-oranguntans of Tregnar VI into shape. You think you can get an overweigh ginger primate to do burpees until they puke? In your dreams!

So, while marooned on Earth, I am available for a modest fee.

I should note there is a waiver you must sign first.

Next time: Beer, wine or scotch? What’s the best thing to drink while bombarding an enemy planet with plasma weapons.

---