fbpx Skip to content

Improved Winter Olympics Sports: Skurlington

Skurlington
Certain death awaits the skip unless these sweepers slow down the skeleton-rider

We love the Winter Olympics. They are much more fun than the Summer Olympics. Except for General Kang, who was the competing in the “One Meter Pistol Event”, we pretty much ignored the Summer Olympics here at The Skwib.

But the countdown to the Vancouver Winter Olympics is on — just one year to go. In honor of this, we have a few minor tweaks to make some sports a bit more exciting.

Our first suggestion is to combine Curling and Skeleton — the most fascinating and most dangerous competitions in one sport.

Instead of rocks, curlers will now use live human beings on their skeletons. Instead of increasing their speed with brooms, curlers will be responsible for slowing the skeleton-rider down with their specially designed “ice-roughening” devices — a kind of polearm with ice picks and crampons. The secret? Not roughening the ice too much, or the skeleton-rider may become airborn.

Instead of launching the rock, the skip’s new job is to lie immobile in the “target zone” at the end of the skurlington run (a new form of sheet that is as steep as the traditional skeleton run, but with a large flat surface at the end, painted with a bull’s eye). Skips will not be allowed to wear any protective gear of any kind. Sweepers are allowed helmets, and the skeleton-rider can have full body armor.

As in curling, the consumption of beer is allowed — nay, encouraged!

Note: to give this new sport an extra edge (and increase the TV ratings), the sweepers and skip must stop the progress of the skeleton-rider before he or she hits the explosive-laden wall at the back of the skurlington ice sheet.

Next time: ice hockey dance.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are also more fun with beer.

5 Comments

  1. you are truly one sick bastard. I mean one really sick and twisted bastard. I mean depraved and foaming at the mouth, ready for the shock treatments, kind of sick bastards. and frankly, I love it. can’t wait for the next in the series.

  2. Great idea. Although I can see taking it one more step and including aspects of the biathlon as well.

  3. Anything that involves crampons and explosives has to be great.

  4. Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that a non-country like Canadia gets to host the Olympics, eh?

Comments are closed.