Really Exploitative Winter Olympic Sports

The Winter Olympics are about to begin in Sochi, and to honor this occasion, we thought to would revisit some suggestions The Skwib has had for more exciting events in the spirit of the Games. (The spirit of the Games being the exploitation of hard-working athletes and their dreams.)

Yes, the Olympic motto, citius altius fortius — faster, higher, stronger — is still one that inspires and arouses the best in us. Still, some Winter Olympic sports are, well, let’s face it, not as telegenic as we might like. Perhaps if the motto was changed to citius, altius, sanguius — faster, higher, bloodier — we might enjoy them more. And in so doing, truly honor the spirit of the games: the production of filthy lucre at the cost of our ideals.

Now, we actually think short-track speed skating is pretty good. Lots of action. Possibility of death. But what if the athletes had to zip around the track holding live chainsaws? Just think of the ad revenue! [pictured above, photo by johnthescone]

Four-man bobsled jumping

Any wimp can land a 120-metre jump on skis. Now, landing a bobsled filled with three other horrified Olympic athletes, that takes real skill. In fact, we bet that very few athletes could manage it. For added thrills, the bobsled jumpers could hold up their arms as they’re airborn, just like a roller-coaster! And just thing of the cross-promotional activities with amusement parks. Blue sky by suchnone

Ultra-G

Much more dangerous than Super-G, Ultra-G combines the mind-bending speed of a flat-out downhill run with a circle of ice that looks like a gigantic Hot Wheels loop at the end of the slope. The winner of this event will probably be a qualified fighter-jet pilot or astronaut. Losers will be immortalized by a generation of traumatized television viewers.

Next up: Ultimate Couples Ice Dance, Polar Bear Biathlon, Naked Fire Luge

Your turn: Feel free to add refinements in the comments, or other sports involving not just the effort and sweat of our athletes, but actual blood.

Alltop can’t believe the Olympic Torch ceremony was invented by Hitler. Originally published February, 2010.