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Should we boycott the Olympics in Russia?

Ask General Kang -- chimp dressed as Napoleon on a globe
Absolutely! I think it’s disgraceful the way that Russia treats its gay and lesbian citizens. On top of that, I don’t think the Ruskies have any idea how many figure skaters their laws would disqualify, and let’s face it, a winter Olympics without the excellent bloodsport of figure skating is just not worth watching.

On the other hand, you’re running the risk that there will be an even worse backlash in Russia if the world decides to boycott the games. Let me tell you a story:

When I was Interstellar Overlord of the Panopticon Galaxy, the Porcine Ascendency attempted to boycott my Ape Races (which was similar to your own Olympics, though we had no event as savage as the compulsory dance). Why? Because I had recently enslaved a sapient race of bot-bellied pigs from the Planet Gogspoo, forcing them to wear tutus and make cute Internet videos for the pleasure of my easily-distracted proles.

And you know what I did? I served those cute little Gogspoonians at the Triumphal Banquet of Shame (held for all the second-place finishers the day before the closing ceremonies of the Ape Games.)

Oh, don’t look so shocked. Remember, I was evil when I was an Interstellar Overlord.

Is there no hope for making a meaningful statement about this human rights travesty?

Of course there is. There’s two courses of action you could take. In the first, you just need to follow the money. If you can’t get the countries involved to boycott the games, perhaps you can convince enough regular people not to buy the products of the companies that sponsor the Olympics. Ensure nobody is buying the burgers and cokes and whatever other unhealthy crap they try to sell you during your biannual celebration of human jock itch. That will make the point, because next time, the Olympic Organizing Committee MAY take that into consideration when they’re awarding the games, and put them in a country that has a decent human rights record.

OR. You could take some of the most ruthless, cunning and savage figure skaters alive and breed them into super-human mutants. Dress them in rhinestone-bedecked unitards and equip them with plasma weapons. Then release them on the unsuspecting Russian oligarchs that passed the repressive law.

I think you know which solution I favor.

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