Category: Skwibby fiction

Captain Vernon Hawser studied his charts in the grand cabin of his ship, The Endurance, and wondered if he would ever have the chance to be a hero the way Lord Neslon had been.

After Vice-Admiral Calder’s disaster at Trafalgar (20 ships-of-the-line sunk or captured when he lost the weather gage to Villeneuve’s fleet) it had been up to his hero. Lord Nelson, his ship the HMS Victory, and a stripped down squadron of 11 other ships managed to prevent Napoleon’s invasion of England.

Nelson’s brilliance had saved England at the Battle of Portland, savaging Villeneuve’s fleet, and turning the invasion force back to the Continent. A great victory. And a close one too.

Hawser had a thought. What if Nelson’s ship hadn’t been damaged in the early hurricane in the Caribbean? What if he’d been in command at Trafalgar, with a much bigger fleet than at Portland. That would have been a rum thing!

His executive officer knocked and came in his cabin, “the Ambassador has arrived, Captain. Would you like to show him on board?”

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Lady Denmark was thrilled to host the annual gathering of the world’s richest. She had been chosen to host for two reasons — her housekeeping staff, who kept the Denmark mansion impeccably clean, and because she was so trustworthy.

She wasn’t as honest as Jennifer Iceland, nor as honest as that leggy blonde bombshell, Lola Finland, but Lady Denmark was known to be almost as upright as Bob Zealand. (Bob was a bit of a slob, but otherwise an okay sort.)

The novel entertainment was put on by a group of children from some nation that she’d never heard of — probably poor as dirt — but they could dance really well. Then a string quartet on loan from that lovely Lord Sweden started playing. Drinks were served, and the glitterati enjoyed the evening; laughter and the buzz of cultured conversation filled the air.

Then Jean Canada arrived. You could tell because the stench of cigarette smoke preceded him. He gazed over the crowd with bloodshot eyes, and they settled on her.

“Oh dear,” she whispered to Jennifer, “He’s coming over here.” Lady Denmark and Jean had once been good friends, but he’d really let himself go in the last few years, and they’d been fighting about a footstool he’d once given her.

Jean Canada slumped his way over, ash dripping from his cigarette all over Lady Denmark’s once-immaculate carpet. He was a bit drunk, and weaved a between the revelers. Then Gunter Germany distracted him. Gunter was dressed in an impressive Italian suit, and groomed to perfection, but everybody knew you couldn’t trust him. He pulled Jean into a conversation, clearly conducting some kind of shady business deal.

Oh thank god, thought Lady Denmark. If Gunter kept him occupied, the evening wouldn’t be a total bust. At least Jacque Belgium had sent his regrets.

Then she heard the boom-box, smelled the hideously unrefined stench of cigar smoke, and she knew the party was ruined.

Uncle Sam had decided to come after all.

Inspired by:
Suzuki pollution rankings — Canada 28 of 30 | Transparency International corruption index — Canada slips to 14 of 17 | Cigar by darkripper

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